Noughty Christmas Party

I received an email from a friend inviting me to a 'Noughty Christmas Party' to celebrate the end of the noughties. Amazingly, the theme is 'naughty.'

Here's the email (there was an invite attached, but that's pretty lame) with my thoughts:

********************

Ever heard about those crazy advertising party’s back in the 80’s?

Not really, should I have?

Well now you are invited to one!

Cool, I guess.

This is going to be a WILD party –entertainment includes- midgets, pole dancers, Burlesque dancers, topless waiters and bar flarers (thanks to all our sponsors)

Cool. I like WILD. I also like pole dance, burlesque, topless waiters (only if this is politically correct and the term 'waiter' represents 'waitress' too) and bar flarers.
I don't really like midgets though. Nothing against them personally. I'm just really awkward around them. I imagine this would be increased several-fold by the fact that the midgets would be there because they are midgets, not on their own human merit. I'd feel obliged to talk to them, taking effort not to stare at their big heads and end up looking away, making it obvious I'm trying not to look at them.
I also generally don't trust people I could throw.

Also there are EARLY BIRD $49 tickets which are significantly cheaper so get on board. (you may have to become a member to get these but that is free)

I have to pay to feel awkward around people I don't trust??

Please forward on to all your naughty friends

Instead of spending money on midgets, they could have just supplied heaps of drugs or something, surely?

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Can we toss/throw the midgets? On second thoughts, that's something I'd probably been keen on about 4am, completely wasted.

Whilst on the topic of midgets, anybody reading this should go to google, type in "do midgets" and wait for google to suggest the most common searches.

ThreeThousand

Oh ThreeThousand, i used to enjoy the occasional gem found in your sporadic issues. But i think you have now gone too far and as a result i am (well, i already have) unsubscribing.

The latest issue is titled 'Nevermind' and has this as the main picture:

In case you're from planet Xooberon and don't know, this is referenced from the famous Nirvana album cover:

ThreeThousand have just totally pissed me off with their hipster attitude where somedude-that-kinda-looks-like-the-guy-from-REM thinks it'd be a great idea to take this photo. I have no problem with this, people are free to do as they please. I'm just pissed off by the sheer laziness involved in taking the picture.

If i had kids I'd use these two pictures and play the "Can you find 26 differences between these two pictures" game. Most of the differences don't even bother me. Fair enough he's wearing shorts. Kinda weird he's screaming, but whatever. Interesting claw-thing going on with your left hand there. Australian money? Good idea as it's easily obtainable here AND IT'S WATERPROOF!
But what about the fucking string around his hand holding the money there? That is what really pisses me off, making all the other differences annoy me more.

2 months ago, i took this picture of my friend Daz. It was about 7am and we had been boozing all night. He was bring us both fresh beers and i had an underwater camera. This is what two hammered guys can do in 2 seconds:


We were not trying to do Nevermind, but fuck, it looks a hell-of-a-lot more like the original than ThreeThousand's abomination (they could have at least gone in the deep end so as not to get that whole 'on the side' thing).

My generation is so terrible (large percentage of) it makes me sick.

Cute dog

"Hey, cute dog! How old is he?"

"She is 3 months"

How come most people automatically refer to dogs as 'he?'
Like all mammals, the sex is pretty much right on a 50-50 chance of going either way, so how come dogs are male by default, or until proven female?

This got me thinking, what other animals have similar traits? I was discussing this with my friend El Presidente, and this is our list:

• Big cats = she
• Zebras = he
• Meerkats = she
• horses = she
• rhinos = he
• monkeys = he

• boats = she
• cars = she (based upon El's experience in India where a taxi driver informed her that some drivers decorate their vehicles as if they were their wives)

This also reminded me of every time I've (tried) learnt a language (except Indonesian). The male and female case. Look at all the 'il' animals here! They are all big boys (not quite)! Whereas the 'la' animals are more graceful and pretty to look at (generally).

Ah, the Italians. They all have such a wonderful way with words. So romantic! Bless 'em!

What do you call "he's" and "she's," and is there anything you refer to as "it?"


NOTE: That is not my dog. That dog was borrowed from google

Old Macdonald

I've been hanging out with a lot of kids lately and one thing that i have noticed as strange is the lyrical progression of animal noises in the song "Old Macdonald had a farm."

I'm sure you all have heard the song before so I'll cut straight to the chase:
Once the song gets to the part where everybody begins doing their best animal impersonations, I found something odd. For example:
"...and on that farm he had a pig, Ee i ee i oh!, with an 'oink oink' here, and an 'oink oink' there, Ee i ee i oh!"

"And on that farm he had some chickens, Ee i ee i oh! With a cluck-cluck here, And a cluck-cluck there"

etc. etc.

One animal i find interesting though, is the poor old cow. Every animal is able to showcase his/her noises twice per demonstration, but the poor cow merely gets the one. For example:

"And on that farm he had a cow, Ee i ee i oh! With a moooo here, And a moooo there"

To be fair, it is always a drawn-out "moooooo" as opposed to the quicker "cluck-cluck"

Has anybody else noticed this? Or have you heard a "moo-moo here and a moo-moo there?"

But i can't help it, i'm a romantic fool

I like to do little things for that special someone every now and then to remind them what a catch i am.

I did some extensive research on new places to go and things to do. I wanted it to be something completely fantastic. Something that everybody knows is fantastic, but nobody has done before.

We both have to work 9-til-5 at work. I was getting so excited i couldn't contain my sanity. In fact, they only thing that helped pass the time away was knowing that we'd be down at Echo Beach that day!

We hit a glitch in the navigation though, all we could find was "far away in time."
Confusing. If this place is so good then why don't more people know where it is? IS IT EVEN REAL??

Did Martha lie to me all these years?



Holy shit! How many Canadians does it take to write a deceptive one-hit-wonder? Which one is Martha? Is she the blonde one?? Is that her mother on the left?
And is that a young Phil Collins next to her?

There is so much more to the Muffins than I ever realised...

Where do these people come from?

the ones who right the lyrics for songs and put them on webpages??

i was interested in the finer details of the lyrics for a certain Jens Lekman song:



i'll take the liberty and copy the lyrics from a certain website here for you. Play the video and compare the lyrics (you have to get past the first chorus until it gets interesting though)

"I was slicing up an avocado
When you came up behind me
With your quiet brand new sneakers
Your reflection i did not see
It was the hottest day in august
And we were heading for the sea
For a second my mind started drifting

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around

Blood sprayed on the kitchen sink
What's this? I had time to think
I see the tip of my index finger
My mind is slowly creating a link
From your mouth speaks your lovely voice
The best comments i've ever heard
Oh honey, you've cut off your finger
I bet that's gotta hurt

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around

I must've passed out on the porch
I'd never seen so many bright stars
When i wake up im in the waiting room
Of the local e.r.
My hand is wrapped in toilet paper
And my shirts all blood red
I see you standing there like an angel
And i say baby, i must be dead

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
you put your arms around me"

I just can't see how someone can stuff those lyrics up so bad, they're so easy (that's not the studio version, but that is almost as clear)
Any ideas?
The only reasonable thing i can think of is that the song was released originally with the above lyrics, then re-released with the lyrics in the video??

Suggestions?

I like to be, under the sea,

in an octopus' garden, in the shade

we bought an underwater camera the other day and had the sudden urge to use it on something really big. So we went and swam with the biggest fish in the sea:







Note this guy was about 9m long...

and this guy was about 4m diammeter:



and these guys were just chillin'