the rumblings of a modest earth dweller

Old Macdonald

2009-10-19T07:37:00.001+11:00

I've been hanging out with a lot of kids lately and one thing that i have noticed as strange is the lyrical progression of animal noises in the song "Old Macdonald had a farm."

I'm sure you all have heard the song before so I'll cut straight to the chase:
Once the song gets to the part where everybody begins doing their best animal impersonations, I found something odd. For example:
"...and on that farm he had a pig, Ee i ee i oh!, with an 'oink oink' here, and an 'oink oink' there, Ee i ee i oh!"

"And on that farm he had some chickens, Ee i ee i oh! With a cluck-cluck here, And a cluck-cluck there"

etc. etc.

One animal i find interesting though, is the poor old cow. Every animal is able to showcase his/her noises twice per demonstration, but the poor cow merely gets the one. For example:

"And on that farm he had a cow, Ee i ee i oh! With a moooo here, And a moooo there"

To be fair, it is always a drawn-out "moooooo" as opposed to the quicker "cluck-cluck"

Has anybody else noticed this? Or have you heard a "moo-moo here and a moo-moo there?"

But i can't help it, i'm a romantic fool

2009-07-23T12:00:00.003+10:00

I like to do little things for that special someone every now and then to remind them what a catch i am.

I did some extensive research on new places to go and things to do. I wanted it to be something completely fantastic. Something that everybody knows is fantastic, but nobody has done before.

We both have to work 9-til-5 at work. I was getting so excited i couldn't contain my sanity. In fact, they only thing that helped pass the time away was knowing that we'd be down at Echo Beach that day!

We hit a glitch in the navigation though, all we could find was "far away in time."
Confusing. If this place is so good then why don't more people know where it is? IS IT EVEN REAL??

Did Martha lie to me all these years?

Holy shit! How many Canadians does it take to write a deceptive one-hit-wonder? Which one is Martha? Is she the blonde one?? Is that her mother on the left?
And is that a young Phil Collins next to her?

There is so much more to the Muffins than I ever realised...

Where do these people come from?

2009-07-20T12:00:00.002+10:00

the ones who right the lyrics for songs and put them on webpages??

i was interested in the finer details of the lyrics for a certain Jens Lekman song:

i'll take the liberty and copy the lyrics from a certain website here for you. Play the video and compare the lyrics (you have to get past the first chorus until it gets interesting though)

"I was slicing up an avocado
When you came up behind me
With your quiet brand new sneakers
Your reflection i did not see
It was the hottest day in august
And we were heading for the sea
For a second my mind started drifting

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around

Blood sprayed on the kitchen sink
What's this? I had time to think
I see the tip of my index finger
My mind is slowly creating a link
From your mouth speaks your lovely voice
The best comments i've ever heard
Oh honey, you've cut off your finger
I bet that's gotta hurt

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
You put your arms around

I must've passed out on the porch
I'd never seen so many bright stars
When i wake up im in the waiting room
Of the local e.r.
My hand is wrapped in toilet paper
And my shirts all blood red
I see you standing there like an angel
And i say baby, i must be dead

You put your arms around me
You put your arms around me
you put your arms around me"

I just can't see how someone can stuff those lyrics up so bad, they're so easy (that's not the studio version, but that is almost as clear)
Any ideas?
The only reasonable thing i can think of is that the song was released originally with the above lyrics, then re-released with the lyrics in the video??

Suggestions?

I like to be, under the sea,

2009-06-04T12:00:00.000+10:00

in an octopus' garden, in the shade

we bought an underwater camera the other day and had the sudden urge to use it on something really big. So we went and swam with the biggest fish in the sea:

Note this guy was about 9m long...

and this guy was about 4m diammeter:

and these guys were just chillin'

Mandy

2009-05-24T12:00:00.001+10:00

A friend of mine, let's call him Steve, was walking home through Northbridge*, WA, a few months back, very drunk. What better time to stop in to a sex shop? - Rhetorical question, there is no better time.
This is where Steve found Mandy. Mandy was reduced to just $20 and when you see the pictures below, you will see how Steve couldn't afford not to buy her.

When Steve approached the counter he said to the clerk:
"I can't believe you're selling this for $20!" to which the clerk replied
"I can't believe you're buying it"

Since then, Mandy has held a special place in the hearts of all that have come across her path. She has touched many.

So it is with great pleasure that I am able to introduce you to Mandy (be sure to enlarge the second picture and enjoy the read!):

Note: She is mostly only brought out for dinner parties

*Northbridge being known for it's sex shops etc.

No credit to the original

2009-05-17T12:00:00.000+10:00

I was listening to one of my all time favourite acts the other day, George Baker Selection, when Una Paloma Blanca came on:*

I was bopping along to the joyful tunes when i was struck with a disgusted, confused and dirty feeling.
Has George Baker ripped off one of the all time classics???

You decide:

Now, are you as disappointed as I am?

*how often have you seen a recorder in a pop song?

So how does it feel?

2009-04-27T12:00:00.000+10:00

One of the things that really gets on my nerves at birthday times is when somebody asks:

"So, another year older, how does it feel?"

It feels the same as yesterday you idiot. How come you're only asking me this now when i see you every day? I'm not a year older overnight, I'm a day older.
Now unless I'd just been sentenced to life imprisonment overnight, or my favourite budgie had died, I'm pretty sure I feel the same as yesterday, plus or minus a 5% buffer.

Get fucked.

Summer programming

2009-03-29T12:00:00.000+11:00

Everybody knows that over the summer months the quality of TV programming greatly declines. The terrible cheap shows are on that are not good enough to show in the higher rating periods and all the main presenters are on holiday.

The same goes for radio. All the presenters are on holiday and there are either fill-ins or no presenters at all. The difference between radio and tv is that the quality of music does not decline. In fact it probably goes up as presenters / programmers are given more freedom to do as they choose.

The month or so over the christmas- new year period was some of the most enjoyable radio listening i've had. Especially on Triple J.

It gave me the opportunity to hear some awesome new bands and not have to deal with mediocre radio personalities that seem to be in abundance on Australian radios...

I listen to the radio either for music or talkback; but not a hybrid blend of both at the same time.

What goes around

2009-03-25T12:00:00.001+11:00

When i was trekking North America back in 2006 I did it all on the cheap. A lot of couchsurfing and a lot of Greyhound. Even if you've never been on a greyhound bus, you more than likely heard about how terrible their service is.

On one occasion i was busing from Boston to Montreal, then to get a second bus to Ottawa. I know what you're thinking; why would i not stop over in Montreal but go all the way to Ottawa? Well, i was planning to go to Montreal on the way back to New England. One thing i quickly worked out is that you don't want to do long trips on greyhound. Not only was it stinking hot and ridiculously humid, it was also very late (schedule, not time of day).
I was going to get the last bus of the night from Montreal to Ottawa, but as you can imagine the first bus was late and i missed the second. Montreal is by no means a bad city to be stuck in, quite the contrary actually, but it also happened to be the final weekend of the Jazz Festival.

There was absolutely no budget accommodation available. I walked from hostel to hostel growing increasingly frustrated / desperate. One hostel worker was kind enough to give me a list of other hostels and relevant information. I was struggling to find one hostel (i didn't have a phone) when i asked a lady on the street for directions. After briefly explaining my situation (she was an English speaking native of Quebec) she said she'd just call them all and find out for me. Awesome.

After calling about six, she too was becoming increasingly frustrated and eventually came to the following conclusion:
"Fuck it, you seem like a nice enough guy, throw your bags in the back of my car, come out to this 80's bar with me and just stay at my place." Awesome.

Montreal quickly became my favourite city in North America but it wasn't long before i had to move on and finally visit my friend in Ottawa, then go to Toronto, then head back east.

Pretty much wherever i needed to go (I had to be back in Boston within a few weeks) I was going back through Montreal. I contacted C and she informed me that she was about to head up to Quebec City for a few days to visit her grandparents before she went off to Panama for a couple of months. She offered me a ride (and more free accom) and i got to see more of Canada, with a local (sort of) who was extremely handy; I don't speak french.

It's safe to say, without C i would have been in a lot of trouble that first night. I also wouldn't have seen the cool things that only the locals do and i had my very own translator.

So last weekend when i was walking home from a small night out with a couple of mates at 1am and there was a back packer sitting on a park bench in front of my apartment block; i enquired as to why she was sitting, with all her belongings, by herself and so late at night in Perth's most violent suburb she informed me of her dilemma. She'd arrived that day (and had accom booked) but there had been a double-booking and all the other hostels in the city area were booked out too. She was going to sleep on the street, but opted for outside my apartment block because it was well-lit and clean...

Not wanting some poor German tourist to be killed in the middle of the night, I offered her my couch. My mate and neighbour has a spare room so she moved in there the next night and the three of us have hung out all the time since. The next day, we were going to the beach to check some sculptures and then go sailing afterwards. These are not things she would have known about / would generally do, but it's what we already do so bring her along for a good time. Plus i get to practice my German.

Doing all the touristy things are good; but you never experience a place until you experience what the locals experience.

It's often little things that can make huge differences to someone else

I'm done with inspirational quotes for now.

Hipster Pop

2009-03-22T12:00:00.001+11:00

I have a lot of friends who are hipsters. The problem i have with the entire hipster thing is nothing to do with how somebody acts, dresses or behaves; it is to do with the music.*

To me, hipster pop is bands like: CSS, MGMT, Bonde Do Role, the Ting Tings etc. The kind of music that is catchy but isn't very technical. The synthesizer equivalent of the explosion of British not-so-good-musicians-but-somehow-topping-the-charts bands circa 2004.**

While other fads are cyclical, i don't think hipster pop will ever make it round again. I just can't see people listening to these bands in 10 years time when they haven't had a hit for a while and nobody wants to see them play anymore, even though it only costs $15 to get in.

Having said all this, for the past month or so, I've been listening to this song a lot:

After hearing it the first time (she does have a pleasing singing voice) i checked out who the singer was. Probably doesn't help (my listening of the song) to find out she is also not too bad on the eyes:

Fortunately for me though; i finally acquired the new albums of Beirut, Bat for Lashes*** and An Horse. Rest easy, only quality music blasting in my home for the foreseeable future.

*I'll happily admit that i dressed quite hipster for a while a couple of years ago. It was a good idea at the time, you know, but i got over it.

**not to be confused with the explosion of British bands in the 90's.

***Zach Condon and Natasha Khan are amazing musicians. I absolutely adore them. Add Jens Lekman to that category too and you have the three highest rotations of the last 18 months

Dutch Oven

2009-03-06T12:00:00.001+11:00

My brother is 7 years my senior. As you can imagine, during my teens, he drove me many places. Predominantly in this, his first, car:

There's something about older brother's and their ability to fart consistently, and badly. Someone with any experience of dutch oven's would have already realised that it would be very easy to create a similar atmosphere within that tiny car.

Two memories are forever etched in my memory from these times:

The passenger window didn't open easily. So you were punished by my brother regularly, evil laugh and all.
The smell of those farts

I have never forgotten the distinct smell of those farts. They were so unique it was unbelievable. Horrible and unique; a formidable combination.
I always wondered what one would have to do / eat to create such an horrendous smell. It baffles me, still to this day.

And now, almost 10 years later, i discover that my own farts are taking on similar aspects! I haven't been eating anything different, but my farts have been heading more and more towards that smell!

It's so weird it's freaky. I don't know what to make of it all; i figure i just embrace the farts for what they are and enjoy them whilst i can.

Watch out colleagues / friends / foes

Dear Housemate,

2009-02-25T12:00:00.000+11:00

If you told me you had roller-blades before we moved in together; I would have canned the whole thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Keeks

Coffee To (not) Go (near)

2009-02-21T12:00:00.000+11:00

At work, we don't have a coffee machine; all we have is that attempt at "blending" 43 different varieties of coffee into a soluble format. There are also no cafes near us.

I resort (out of desperation) into the ready-to-go lattes/cappuccinos that come in sachets.

They're OK, I've tried a few different types and figured I'd try more until i came across this:

No wonder it was so cheap! I say to myself as i smell this concoction; and it tastes even worse!

I look at the box to find some information about the company:

Although it's hard to see, you'll have to take my word that there are 11 different languages there (give or take) and not one of them is English.

Through my detective skills, I find that it is made in Poland, in Wadowice. Which happens to (only) be famous for being the birth place of Pope JP.
It certainly isn't famous for it's instant coffee... I'd rather eat a crusty, white, dried-out dog poo (HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE THOSE ON FOOTPATHS* ANYMORE???) then drink this shit.

The moral of the story: catholicism is bad

*footpath = sidewalk
Footpath is better though, as it is a path and your feet go on it. You certainly don't walk sideways on it - nor is it to the side when going through the middle of a park or something.

13-year-old boy becomes a father

2009-02-19T12:00:00.001+11:00

I'm sure you're all aware by now of the uproar surrounding the case in Britain where the 15yo girl who gave birth to a baby; but nobody really knows who the father is?

i don't see what the huge thing is, to me this scenario is a little too common in Britain. After all, it does have the highest teen pregnancy levels in Europe.

Clearly the girl, and all her alleged boyfriends, is promiscuous. After all, there now seem to be 8 boys claiming to be the daddy!

So, Maisie; WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Oh Dear God No

You know, I'd actually like to see when the 'verdict' is read out. It would be quite entertaining. Have them all there together, Nick Nolte included. Also have Gary Busey wandering in-and-out just to really confuse people about what the fuck is going on!

Yeah, that'd be ace

MGMT

2009-02-11T12:00:00.002+11:00

Dear MGMT,

i really like your music. I mean, it's good, not great, i don't think anyone will be listening to you in 3 years, but for now it's enjoyable.

What i don't like about you guys is that every time you come on at a pub/club, you empower people. You especially seem to empower fat guys and convince them it's cool to dance like a douche and yell at their friends and be all sweaty.

but it's great they're getting involved.

Yours Sincerely

kik

Tan Rating

2009-02-05T12:00:00.000+11:00

Being summer in this ridiculously hot country; it is customary for most to have various shades of tan.

Aphrodite and I have developed an effective system of defining our respective skin colouring in a way that most people can understand.

It ranges from the winter-strong moon-tan through to the end of summer look-like-an-ancient-greek-god.

We call it the MJ-Rating.

Basically, all you have to do is equate your tan to a different era of Michael Jackson's lifetime.

Most people start summer with the current MJ look:

Nobody wants that shit...
Then there are those first shades of summer skin. The MJ Circa late 80's:

Mid 80's now. Ooooh that tan is looking nice. Coconut oil?

MJ Circa Thriller. Great tan, although you should probably get a job and not sit outside so much:

MJ circa Jackson 5. Skin cancer alert = high

Currently i'm sitting pretty with an MJ Rating of mid-80's. How's yours?

Dirty deeds; done dirt cheap

2009-02-01T12:00:00.001+11:00

I've been in a little bit of an emotional hiatus lately. It all began a couple of weeks ago when i was just cruising around and was attracted to this really bright light (I'm like that).

Turns out it was the ocean's equivalent of a Venus Fly Trap, with me being the fly. I spent a whole two days inside the whale. It mostly wasn't so bad. It was insulated and there was a constant supply of cheese. There was one bad thing though; Cotton-Eyed Joe was playing on repeat. The entire time. No let up. it began making me hallucinate and see things out of the norm. For a time i thought that I'd gone to the future, another time i thought I'd been eaten by i dinosaur:

The fusion of country and techno does that to you...

After what seemed an eternity, i was saved by none other than Genghis Khan, in boy format. He hacked his way through that whales body with ruthless abandon. I was suitably impressed and glad to leave my warm, fuzzy, hell-hole of a prison.

ready. always ready

I was still so delusional after my ordeal i actually thought the apocalypse was finally here

winds of change blowing across my reality

Since my ordeal I've pretty much been doing only two things:

crying in the foetal position like someone who has been abducted by aliens and had an anal probe insertion
staring at the wall of my toilet, where i am certain was the regular scene for many fornicating tales of reckless mayhem.

hand print, above head print, above toilet

a close-up of the hand print

it has all been a bit much for me, what with Cotton-Eyed Joe still playing in my head and the knowledge that my abode's previous occupants flaunted their sexual prowess regularly.
Where else did they do it?
I've been searching for other signs. So far i have found none. But you can't convince me otherwise that the marks above my toilet are not the same as this (NSFW).

Facebook advertising

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000+11:00

Facebook advertising for part-time jobs:

Is it fair to assume that they are in Porn?

"It won't ever happen to me"

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000+11:00

"It always happens to other people, but not me."

Well shit. It DID happen to me.

Far out. Not even a week after I'd bragged about my ruthlessness.

No more beetroot in my sandwiches (unless I'm wearing these trousers; which, let's face it, i wear every day)

Football with style?

2009-01-08T12:00:00.001+11:00

I receive all the promotional emails from the governing body of football in Australia. Which means i receive info about all leagues that are played. I'm not particularly interested in any of the leagues besides the A-League (yet sometimes my interest in that wanes).

Apparently the W-League (women's league) finals are approaching. All well and good, but below is the picture that made up most of the email:

The first thing that struck me about this picture is the women themselves. I thought to myself that if they are all playing in the W-League, maybe i should get along to a game or two...
(I also thought that it was unlikely that all these femmes were, in actual fact, members of W-League teams).

I had a closer look and noticed something fishy, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I figured i'd have a look at the W-League teams webpages and try and find these sultry soccer stars.

And that's when it hit me. The four girls in the front are wearing the outfits of international teams. They don't even play in the W-League (and probably don't play soccer either judging by their builds)!

Shame Football Federation Australia, Shame.

And here i was ready to strap on my drinking shoes and head to a game!!

I also think it's nifty that all four girls are from different racial backgrounds, but they should have added a black girl to complete the harmony.

So what's your take on this advertising ploy?

In love with Danger

2009-01-06T12:00:00.002+11:00

There's something invigorating about doing something that is really risky. I can't get enough of it. It makes me feel like I'm alive. Really gets my heart and adrenalin racing. To me, it's like a natural high.

I'm also in the habit of bringing food to work and making my own, fresh, sandwiches. There are many different reasons for this, such as: it's cheaper, healthier, easier etc. but the main reason is the danger of it all.

I'm quite partial to beetroot slices in my sandwich. Not only do they taste delicious, but they offer the danger that i need and thrive on.

There is probably nothing harder to remove then a beetroot stain. That's why i eat my sandwich straight over my lap with absolutely no protection between it and my work attire.

I live for the thrill. Much, i presume, like a skydiver or Evil Knievel.

Oh yeah. I'm bad.

Hot French Chicks

2008-12-29T12:00:00.001+11:00

I saw Nouvelle Vague last week and here are all the photos / videos i took for the night. There isn't much better than seeing hot French chicks singing Love Will Tear Us Apart or Dead Kennedys songs

Blister In The Sun

Too Drunk To Fuck

Religion in Schools

2008-12-23T12:00:00.001+11:00

There has been a bit of open debate lately on whether or not public schools should be teaching Religious Education.

I, for one, think that they should. But i don't think they should be teaching solely about christianity. I think they should do a small stint on every religion, you know, help build up tolerance etc.

This gives each student the (potential) chance to make their own decisions and be somewhat informed (for once).

But this also opens up debate about what is a religion.

According to the last Australian census; Jedi is an official religion
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedi

Although Tom Cruise would try and have you believe it, Scientology isn't a religion, in fact, it has been granted cult status by the German government and has hence been banned (in Germany).
However there are always enough idiots going around (Germany has a far better public schooling system than most western countries) to argue that it is a religion and should be considered equally yadda yadda yadda.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology

Most people with something of a science background would notice that there are some critical links missing in the bible's explanation of things. Cool, whatever, believe what you want to believe. However how so many people, to this day, can faithfully believe in a religion that was so obviously invented for fraudulant purposes is beyond me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism

My point is this. No matter what you believe in there is always going to be something that completely baffles you. What we need is broader education for all in order to more comfortably accept these things.

What i'd love to see is the holy scripture of the Church of the Flying Spaghettie Monster taught in schools along with buddhism, allah and god (wait aren't they the same guy?). I'm a bit of a realist though and i know that this won't happen until we make it happen!

So until that day i'll just be praying, like a true Pastafarian, to the Flying Spaghetti Monster

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastafarian
http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

have a fabulous (INSERT RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY HERE)! Hope you eat lots of (TRADITIONAL FOODS) and drink heaps, albiet responsibly (WHERE APPLICABLE)

Living and Learning

2008-12-13T12:00:00.000+11:00

I recently relocated to another state and was afforded up to $3000 relocation allowance. I moved in to accomodation with everything, except my bedroom, which i only needed a bed for.
So i purchased a $3000 bed.

The bed isn't really $3000. It was $1800 for the bed and mattress. and then i spent a further $1000 on bedding. I think, although it does look pretty and is quite solid, i have worked out exactly where all the money of the frame goes...

into the packaging.

Sheer ridiculousness.

I have also learnt, first-hand, the full extent of living in the most remote city in the world. The other day i was in desperate need of a hair cut, so stopped in at a barber i was passing on the outskirts of said remote city.

As a guess i'd say there are not too many gay aboriginal hair dressers in this world, but i managed to find one!
For $10 and the instructions "pretty much just half the length all over" i ended up with clippers on the top of my head and scissors on the sides.

i didn't say too much, i just wanted to get out of there quickly.

That's what i ended up with. I rushed home and tried as best i could to tidy it up myself...
i should also point out that i asked for it to be really short at the front.

You live and learn i guess.

Puddin

2008-12-08T12:00:00.000+11:00