the rumblings of a modest earth dweller

Couchsurfing

2011-05-02T12:00:00.000+10:00

Over the past few years, I've consistently harped on about how awesome Couchsurfing is. Lately, my interest has been waning, seriously waning.

It lead me to post this in the forum:

The past year-or-so, I've been observing couchsurfing from a bit of a distance. Work over the past two years has posted me in 'unique' locations and I haven't really hosted much.

I digress; I have been a member of Couchsurfing since 2004, before the great crash of 2006 (i was actually traveling at the time of the crash and it inconvenienced me greatly) and have witnessed a transformation of the whole culture of couchsurfing.

In the beginning it was small, still run by two enthusiastic and brilliant people. There was a real buzz to the community. Everybody was willing to help everybody and people really took the time and went out of their way. It was just about the traveling.

The past few years has seen it become something much more than that.

It's not just a portal for travelers to connect and locals to help them.
It has somehow morphed into a gumtree/facebook/dating site like service, but I guess that comes with the increasingly swelling numbers and, unfortunate, bad press.

People are now seeing it as a means-to-an-end for their own personal gains and agendas.

Call me nostalgic, but there was something romantic and pure about the old couchsurfing. The couchsurfing where every would-be-guest would thoroughly read your profile before writing, where a desperate last-minute message would be responded to honestly and quickly, not ignored.
It seems to me, that the truly great people of couchsurfing are disappearing, or maybe rather being engulfed by the influx of people with a different purpose.
It could also be a generational thing. I'm not sure.

Either way, my feelings are pretty clear. Felt the need to put it out there as i fade from the couchsurfing existence.

It was well-received by the older, more 'traditional' couchsurfers, however some of the new, younger surfers, who appear to be only using the site for free accommodation in order to party more, brushed it off with a blase attitude that I used to be quite known for.

Is this me getting old?

Groans

2011-04-08T12:00:00.000+10:00

I finally did it. I still know know if I'll get far with it, but, for now, it's there...

twitter.com/PernodFils

Breaking News

2011-03-22T12:00:00.000+11:00

In breaking news just in, reports from US Military Command for operation Liberate Libya have surfaced claiming the accidental death of Muammar Gaddafi (full name Muammar Abu Minyar al-Qaddafi) at the hands of US military forces.

Brief reports, released from NATO head of operations, suggest that three wayward cruise missiles, that were launched by the US aimed at the main airfield of Tripoli, landed within the presidential complex, 72km (45miles) away.

The report claims that the three missiles caused minimal damage to the palace, the only damage being a few murdered guards and Gaddafi; himself suffering shard damage approximately ½ inch wide, entering the skull between the eyes. X-rays of the skull reveal the shrapnel was bullet-shaped.

In an attempt to clear the area, US and NATO forces we seen securing the complex, removing all items to prevent looting and physically controlling Gaddafi’s 43 concubines.

More to come.

Tweetie

2011-02-28T12:00:00.002+11:00

I've been thinking a bit about twitter lately. Not enough to affect my daily activities, but a little bit.

Having never accessed Twitter, I don't know how it works. Well, I know how it works, but I just wouldn't know, immediately, how to use it. This isn't in any form a deterrent, I just don't care for twitter. I find the concept quite mundane. Plus, lately, I've been all over google reader like a nun sandwich. Adding twitter to my current long list of internet musts for the day would decrease my productive output to somewhere nigh on sackable.

However, if I did tweet, I most certainly would have twatted this the other day:

"Just got off the toilet, didn’t think the Indian was that spicy last night. Surprised."

I was reminded of this today as I thought of another tweet whilst at the local sandwich shop:

"Just had a sandwich made for me by a guy with one hand. Strangest thing; he wore two gloves!"

Would I have any form of following?

Can you post photos on the twit?

"Just saw this speed sign. Is it indicative of my future uncertainty toward dyslexic foreigners?"

You're dead to me Liz

2010-12-13T12:00:00.000+11:00

Liz Hurley has always been one of my favourite actors / models ever since i was quite young. I still held her in such high regard right up until this morning.
Then i heard that she is dating Shane Warn e.

Devastated. Absolutely devastated. She is forever tainted and i don't think i can ever look at her again.

Urgh.

The Greens

2010-11-09T12:00:00.000+11:00

As an increasing number of voters become disillusioned with the major parties (particularly as they seem to be meeting in the middle), the Greens in Australia are attracting more and more of the Primary vote. This was made clear in the recent Federal Election; a 4% swing in both the lower and upper houses, which culminated to a total of 13% of the vote in the Senate. These are extraordinary numbers for a minor political party, however the news gets better if you’re a Greens fan as they are tipped to achieve in greater numbers in the upcoming Victorian State Election.

The word is that we could have a hung parliament, with the Greens holding the balance of power. I quite like the Greens as a minor party. I agree with the ideology of a lot of their policies. However these are very broad policies (at both a federal and state level). Policies that don’t go into much detail but demand radical change / action. Policies that disregard, or just simply don’t even consider, ramifications to the broader community. Both of which, I believe, is not something you want from a major party.

Let’s take a look at some of their policies:

1. Climate and Energy.

· “We’ll be making rapid emissions reductions and supporting workers in carbon intensive industries like Hazelwood power station to re-skill and adjust to low-carbon jobs.” There is only one way to make rapid emissions reductions and that is to shut down Victoria’s coal-fired power generators. What will we then do with no electricity? It will take years and billions of dollars to replace and compensate current energy generators and it is simply not feasible. Where are these low-carbon jobs? What industries are they in? It seems to me the only way that all this can become possible is by building Nuclear Power Stations. But the Greens would never allow that to happen now would they?

· “A smart grid would place energy generation and consumption side by side, with each house and business supplying power for each other.” Where is this ‘smart grid?’ How long will it take to build? At what cost?

2. Animals

· “We will end duck shooting, puppy factories and jumps racing.” What the Greens haven’t mentioned on their website is that they want to ban all shooting and gun ownership. They also want to ban recreational fishing. The greens also mention on their website that they want “the most humane and effective means available to be used in the control of introduced and pest species,” which I am pretty sure is with guns, rather than introducing a virus or other methods. I’m actually quite passionate that something urgent, and drastic needs to be done about swelling rabbit, fox, camel and cane toad numbers in Australia. These introduced species are wreaking havoc on farming and native flora and fauna throughout the country and less of them would massively increase efficiency in both farming practices and native species growth. Something akin to the great buffalo round-up from the Northern Territory is required, and was even suggest by Kevin Rudd in regards to camels, but he was labelled a murderer. Duck shooting is tightly controlled by the DSE. Each year different quotas are introduced depending on the numbers of duck populations. There has been an increase in the duck population in recent years, even though bag limits have increased. As for jumps racing; personally i enjoy it and even though the risk of serious injury to the horse is slightly greater than normal racing, I don’t see how you can classify them differently. Equestrian Eventing should be in that category too, have you even seen cross-country?

3. Economics

· “Long term government borrowing is the preferred mechanism for funding long term infrastructure investments.” Government borrowing is the one thing that is not acceptable right now. Heavy borrowing has landed Greece in hot water and is about to make Ireland insolvent.

· “The Goods and Services Tax (GST) is unfair, regressive and places an unfair burden on individuals and small business.” I strongly disagree. I believe the GST simplified taxation and greatly reduced tax minimisation attempts by companies and individuals. It is an efficient and fair system, maximising tax revenue with less effort.

· “International institutions such as the World trade Organisation (WTO) the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and the World Bank must assist countries to achieve their democratically determined priorities within ecological constraints.” Why? Australia has recently enjoyed, and will soon again, very strong budget revenues. Why would we need funding from WTO, IMF or World Bank? Why can’t we just do it ourselves? Oh, that’s right. We have to borrow heavily over the long term to invest.

· The Greens will raise “the company tax rate to 33% and broaden the company tax base by reducing tax concessions.” Good luck dealing with business lobby groups on that.

· They will “reduce Australia’s foreign debt and foreign ownership through use of trade, financial and regulatory measures to ensure more productive use of foreign capital and strengthening of Australian manufacturing, recognising the need to support economies in developing countries.” But how? There is no detail.

· They will “implement a gradual and long term shift in the tax system from work based taxes to taxes on natural resources and pollution including... other ecological taxes and charges at a level sufficient enough that their prices reflect the full environmental cost of their production, use or disposal.” Again, the detail is deplorable, however moving the tax system from work based taxes to natural resource based taxed is deplorable. Natural resources are a finite quantity. They will run out. When they do the Australian economy and workforce will evolve and transform into other sectors. There will always be work, but there will not always be resources. Also, a tax on resources contradicts the Greens policies on Indigenous Australians, as Indigenous Australians, effectively, own the resources that are in Australia. Taxing them is not an option as they are not the government’s to tax.

The Greens do address (address in a very casual sense, like most policies, they mention it as a general statement with no substance nor execution strategy) some interesting things that other parties seem to be very good at ignoring. Issues like mental health and same sex marriage. Their general approach to humanism is quite good. However, like all their other policies, they are not costed, they have no detailed plan for implementation and they don’t seem to have any idea how to pay for it (partly because they don’t know how much it will cost).

If the Greens want to become the third major Party that they think they will be (categorising the Liberals and Nationals as one party), then they need to grow up and start acting like one. They can’t continue to make brash, general statements that you would only expect to hear from someone wearing a beret or someone who doesn’t really know much about politics.

I don’t mind if people vote for the Greens; but I do mind if they vote for them ‘just cause’ or they don’t fully understand what the Greens will do if they hold the balance of power. If you want to vote Greens, you need to understand what they will do to this state (and country) if given the opportunity.

On a side note, if the Greens do get 20% of the vote, that means that one in five Victorians voted for them, nowhere near a majority, but they would effectively hold the balance of power in government. I believe this is a major flaw in our parliamentary system as we would be left with representatives that have the support of 1 in 5 Victorians having a much greater say in government policies than their vote count should suggest. Meaning that policies that the majority of citizens don’t agree with or don’t support would be getting pushed to the forefront of government agenda. Which is flat-out unfair.

A little bit excited

2010-10-28T12:00:00.000+11:00

I have to admit that I'm just a little bit excited about the prospect of polaroid style film being available again from The Impossible Project.

I have just placed an order and am now eagerly awaiting my film to arrive...!

Spa works

2010-10-04T12:00:00.001+11:00

With summer fast approaching i thought it would be nice to utilise the spa that is in the back yard.

Until i opened the cover...

I thought it best to seek professional advice, so at the local spa shop, when asked what the problem was, I simply presented this picture.

The first step i had to do was run the spa with a ‘special’ dregreaser. This created some interesting scenes akin to the ocean after the biggest storms

That foam is about 10cm deep.

As my cousins and I watched on, we fully expected to see a horse head and/or body part rise to the surface

Then came the draining. One problem i found is that the drain outlet is at about a third of the depth of the spa, meaning some (about a third) of the water isn’t removed.

Not wanting to touch the water, i scooted to bunnings and purchased a submersible pump.

Once the water was out, i got mopping

First mopping with washing detergent. Then mopped with hospital grade disinfectant.

Afterward, a rinse and test run, then another empty. Then onto the real thing

So who wants to come round for a spa?

Oligarchy

2010-09-07T12:00:00.001+10:00

I drafted this last week, but never got around to posting it. I figure that today, seeing as the whole mess has now been sorted, would be as good-a-day as any to talk about it.*

Of the 150 seats in the House of Representatives, 3 have emerged with the balance of power. These three hold the key to any government that may be formed and, in turn, will be able to hold that government to ransom in order to get what they want.

Three blokes out of 150. That's not very democratic. Those three represent only a small number of voters, yet their electorates will be given some form of priority over the next 3 years.

My Electorate is one of 73 held by an ALP member. It also happens to be one of the safest. Pretty sure we won't be receiving anything special this coming term if the ALP is re-elected. My biggest concern is that these 3 independents are from the country, meaning they'll be inclined to want the NBN. Which is a shame because the entire proposal is a joke and should never have even been considered.

In all honesty, I think it would have probably been best for both Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott to allow the other to form government as the potential to damage / hinder anything a minority government will attempt to pass is so easy. This always manages to lower support of a leader / party, even though it shouldn't.

All the election proved is that both the major parties pretty much try to sell the same thing and have moved so far from their traditional ideologies that it's a farce. It also proved that minor parties (and independents) are afforded far too much power considering such a small proportion of the population voted for them.

I get most riled by the Greens. I strongly dislike the Greens. Apart from wanting to do good by the environment, most people would struggle to list any of their policies. They are a reckless, irresponsible and uninformed bunch and if people wanted to really vote for a party in the senate that could make a difference for the better, they'd vote for the Democrats.

Which greens voter are you?? Come on, tell me which one!

*The talk of three includes the Mad Katter, who obviously now won't be given special treatment in government

Also, I'd tell you who I voted for, but in my electorate it would have made no difference whatsoever on the outcome. So I don't believe it is even worth mentioning.

Snuggies are bad...

2010-08-23T12:00:00.003+10:00

...but I think I have stumbled across something that takes you to far greater places on the scale of cringe-related body movements.

Before we move into this fantastic new product, we should all have a quick refresher course in everything that is snuggie:

Before I get sidetracked about everything impractical about the snuggie (they're only good for when you're sitting on a warm seat, after all it's only a blanket, albeit with sleeves) I thought I should introduce you to the Pouch, aka the 'onesie.'

I found an ad for the onesie in a magazine I was reading when I was relaxing on the toilet two weekends ago (you may think it inappropriate that I should mention this, however I find the connection irresistible; read: Onesies are shit).

Here is the ad, please click on it for enlargement so that you can enjoy it all, in full. Be aware that it is not just limited to the ridiculous suits, the advertising pitch is brilliant, complete with horrendous grammar.

I think my favourite part is the What are the best ways to enjoy your Pouch? section. I have never been on the sidelines of a ballet class, but I have been hungover. I have also been a kid who has needed warmth whilst sleeping. In both these cases, the blankets on my bed have sufficed.

Aren't your feet cold?

Clearly, there is some cool leopard print / honeycomb camouflage onesie available, but according to their print ad, I'm only offered semi-cool colours like Purple Haze, Rocking Red and Chocalicious Brown. I want my honeycomb cammo should I feel the need to become hard to see in an environment that, most probably, doesn't exist. Or I might even like to play cards in front of a tent, I'm undecided.

I think I will have to call one of the cool sales staff who, I'm told, will gladly help.

Whilst I'm on hold to an Indian call centre, I will leave you with this:

So what is cooler? A snuggie or a onesie?? And have you ever seen a baby in a jumpsuit and immediately thought I WANT ONE?

because the teletubbies weren't creepy enough

Lomo Plano

2010-07-27T12:00:00.000+10:00

Flying and Lomography. Two pleasant (and new) hobbies.

Day three

2010-07-19T12:00:00.000+10:00

I recently read an article about a woman who decided to have two weeks off coffee. Although she drank considerably more than me (12 cups a day compared to my 3 or 4), the withdrawal effects on her body highlighted to me that regular caffeine intake is not good for the body at all.

So now here I am, three days into a caffeine-free body. Saturday was fine, I figured that it was easier to start on a weekend as I'm quite partial to a nanna-nap mid-afternoon.

Yesterday evening was different though. My body started with the withdrawal symptoms. Nearly 3 days after my last caffeine hit I couldn't think clearly (there was a fogginess in there) and I had a constant headache - I never get headaches!

No headaches today but I'm still struggling to get my mind to focus and concentrate on a set task. It probably doesn't help that I've been up since 4am but this hasn't effected me other times so much.

The article that I read noted that after 3 or 4 days her head became clearer and she was able to concentrate on a set task much easier than before, however the down-side was that she lost a bit of her ability to multi-task...

So I guess we'll just wait and see.

Dark times

2010-07-16T12:00:00.001+10:00

After the mistakes of my last post I have slipped into a tad bit of something that some people would call a depression.

Not only have I found myself spending hours on the floor of the shower, fully clothed, with the cold water running; I have also been drinking copious amounts of cheap scotch in said position and been listening to Jewel on repeat. Really loud.

soft and sultry

I say it's only a tad bit of a depression as the only action of mine that was out of the ordinary was the new found appreciation of Jewel (music). The rest was the run-of-the-mill Saturday night kind.

A monumental day in History

2010-07-06T12:00:00.001+10:00

Today is the day that the Delorean arrives...

I think we are able to see early results. This was seen in the UK. Also, it appears that there really was a problem with the flux capacitor and this has been seen wondering the streets of Detroit / Honolulu:

And after all that euphoria, turns out the whole thing was an hoax!

A bird shat on my computer

2010-06-20T12:00:00.000+10:00

Well, not on my computer directly, but on my monitor. See the image below to get what i mean:

I don't even know how a bird got in. Obviously, it came through the door, but when was the door open long enough? How did it get in, take a shit on my monitor and then get out so quickly without anyone* noticing?

It reminds me of my other encounters with bird shit:

Once I was driving along a freeway** with the window partly open and my hand holding around where the window goes in and BAM! Bird shit lands smack-bang in the palm of my hand. I pulled into the stopping lane, dry-reached a little and wiped the shit on the ground.
When I was a kid I was returning from getting the mail from the letterbox when I thought i heard someone call out my name, so I stopped. As i went to turn around, BAM! A bird shit landed on one of the letters in my hand. If I hadn't stopped, I'm convinced it would have hit me.
Once a friend and I were driving on a freeway*** with the sun roof of my friend's car open, listening to Tool. As we're driving along he suddenly swerves a little bit, then starts groaning. Sort of scream groaning. Almost grunting. A bird shit had come through the sunroof and hit him on his sunglasses lens. I'm pretty sure you couldn't even do that if you tried.

So. How's your shit?

*I'm at work. It may be a construction site, but geez, I didn't think it was this bad.
**The Eastern Freeway for all you Melburnians; heading out of the city, just after Chandler Hwy.
***Hume Freeway. Somewhere between Melbourne and Albury.

Wow

2010-06-04T12:00:00.001+10:00

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Have you ever seen anyone so excited by Robert Palmer over the age of 16?

Props to Siouxsie for supplying me with this

So

2010-05-28T12:00:00.000+10:00

Do you like Slayer?

Reaping the rewards.

2010-05-19T12:00:00.004+10:00

Just the other day, I received this lovely email from the football club that I have been a member of for 5 years; since foundation:

Dear Kiki,

Thank you for your ongoing support this year as an Inaugural 2005/06 Silver member. Your contribution over the past five years is the foundation that the Club proudly recognises.

The following image is a token of our appreciation, created to celebrate your five-year membership milestone with Melbourne Victory.

They sent me a jpeg... I don't even know if it's worth trying to come up with something in response to that. Five years of a couple of hundred bucks a year and all I get is a jpeg.

I'm tempted to make myself a shirt. "I give my football team unconditional money every year and all I got was this lousy jpeg."

That's a bit long though. Thoughts?

No credit to the original. MkII

2010-05-16T22:04:00.001+10:00

I have used my investigatory journalistic skills well in the past to uncover some terrible music thievery (especially when compared to what else has happened on this subject matter recently). Now I think I may have just uncovered some more misguided 'creativity' in the form of a hugely popular British quiz show.

Please enjoy this opening theme song from Steven Fry's QI:

Now, this is a long shot and you may well have to listen a few times, but it's definitely there. Please enjoy Dragon's 1983 hit Rain:

Now, listen to QI again, however this time sing over the top "Don't go out in the pouring rain."

I'll win a Pulitzer. One day.

Times that I have prayed

2010-05-13T12:00:00.001+10:00

In chronological order:

The moment I wake up, before I put on my makeup
While combing my hair, now, and wondering what dress to wear, now
I ran for the bus, dear, while riding I thought of us, dear
At work, I just take time, and all through my coffee break-time

I should clarify that last two. 3 was the result of me being in Sydney and forced to catch a bus. For the record I would never catch a bus in Melbourne. I despise buses.
4 was during my coffee break-times in December 2005. For some reason I was receiving a lot of bad vibes from various colleagues.

Daim Swedes

2010-05-09T12:00:00.001+10:00

It's pretty much a fact that all Swedes are hot. Everybody knows this. However I think I have discovered exactly what makes them hot.

I made my discovery recently when my friend Lesley won this chocolate bar at a carnival in the land of hotness:

Note that that is not Lesley's real face. I've skillfully photoshopped an alias in order to protect her identity.

For this giant chocolate bar to exist, someone has to eat it. Simple Supply and Demand. So if these are getting eaten regularly enough for them to be in relative mass production (in Sweden, I might add) there must be something going on that we don't know about.
I have pretty much concluded through this photo that eating a huge chocolate bar is going to make you more attractive.
It's a full-proof analysis. Sweden has massive chocolate bars. Swedes are hot. Massive chocolate bars make you hot.

Lesley has also made me think of something else. Why hasn't the awesomeness of both chocolate and salami been combined before? Would this just be too much awesome for one person to handle? Can Swedes handle it?*

Sorry about the abrupt finish. I'm off to wrap my DAIM in Salami.

*If any Scando could handle it, I'd assume it'd be the Fins. Problem is that non-Fins don't see them as Scandinavians...

Vampires. WTF?

2010-05-05T12:00:00.003+10:00

Everybody knows that you can't see a vampire in the reflection of a mirror. However, I got thinking about this the other day when I found myself briefly watching a B-grade vampire movie.*

The basic premise was that there was a group of friends and one was a vampire who had evil plans to overtake the world, one American high school at a time. In one scene, one of the heroes was in his car, about to reverse out of a car park when BAM! He hits something. He gets out to see his 'friend' lying on the ground.

I get it. He didn't see him in the mirror because he is a vampire. But how come he couldn't see his clothes?? Or the bag he was carrying???

Logic just doesn't explain how his ordinary clothes and accessories become invisible. It just can't happen. Not unless he shops at some special vampire shop, but I find that unlikely.

Really, when you 'see' a vampire through a mirror,** you should be able to see the material things. The natural. Not the Supernatural.

So unless all vampires start walking around naked now, this is how I imagine they would appear in a reflection (especially if he's a man in black):

Your vampire theory is flawed and I won't have a bar of it.

*One of my favourite movie genres.
**You can't really see through a mirror, now, can you.

facebook

2010-04-30T12:00:00.000+10:00

I deleted facebook a couple of weeks ago. I took the liberty of messaging all my contacts informing them of my decision and 90% of the responses were:

"Why would you do that?"

Facebook has taken over my generation. It has completely changed the way in which people communicate with each other.
I'm making a stand.
I hate the way that people talk about things that 'happened' on facebook. Or the way that people only communicate through facebook.
I want my friends to call me. Talk to me like a person. I don't want to know what they're up to in 160 characters or less. I don't want to see terrible grammar, bad spelling and ridiculously abbreviated words. I don't want facebook.

I don't want what the world is turning into.

I especially hate the way how facebook tailors it's advertising to you. How it keeps trying to 'suggest' friends or how it keeps changing it's damn home page.
It's not just facebook though, Google is doing it too (and probably worse, but I'm more dependant on Google) and Apple are about to smash consumers with ads in apps.

And I've still never accessed twitter, thank fuck.

I excel in office politics

2010-04-27T12:00:00.001+10:00

I've been wondering for a while what the best way would be to explain on my resume that I am adept at office politics.

Even though it's an essential office requirement, it's not something that is advertised in the job courting process. However, just recently, I think I've found something where such a skill is a total plus on the application.

Survivor.

Now, out of all reality TV shows, Survivor is the only one I'll give more than 15 minutes a series to. I love the brutality. I love the desperation. I love that every female under 35 is hot. Most of all, though, I love the politics.

It's one of the original reality TV shows and, I believe, the best by far.

I'd love to go on Survivor. It's the only reality show I'd go on and have a chance at doing well at (except maybe Australia's Next Top Model). The only problem is, I'm not American. Since I'm not American it seems that it's impossible for me to achieve my goal.

Apparently, Americans don't want to watch non-Americans on TV (unless it's Top Gear).

WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE ME? WHY AM I SO DIFFERENT?? WHY DON'T AMERICANS WANT TO WATCH ME BATTLE IT OUT IN THE ULTIMATE GAME OF SURVIVAL???

Strange. Google Analytics tells me that most of my readers actually come from the States. So, Americans, don't you like me? Why do you keep reading me?? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT I HAVE A "GREAT FACE FOR RADIO" AND AM NOT CAPABLE OF COMPETING WITH THE WAFA THIN FAKE BOOBS OF PRIME TIME REALITY TV???

Fuck you then.

I'm about to get very rich and famous

2010-04-15T12:00:00.000+10:00

The Wynne Prize is an art prize awarded annually for "the best landscape painting of Australian scenery in oils or watercolours or for the best example of figure sculpture by Australian artists completed during the 12 months preceding the [closing] date ..."

The winner receives $25,000 and publicity that's worth far more. This year, the competition was one by Sam Leach for his work Proposal for landscaped cosmos:

This has caused quite a stir as Leach has stated that "Quite clearly I'm quoting that original work" but "there are some key differences there."
That "original work" is Adam Pynacker's Boatmen Moored on a Lake Shore from 1668:

*cough*

The thing that surprised me most though, was that Pynacker was able to paint an Australian landscape in 1668, 110 years before Australia was colonised.

*cough some more*

This has inspired me. I've always been a huge fan of Caravaggio, so I thought I'd use Boy bitten by lizard as my first "inspiration."

Caravaggio:

Kiki:

I think you'll find that quite clearly I'm quoting that original work but there are some key differences there. You can quote me on that.

Further education

2010-04-12T12:00:00.000+10:00

I received a lovely email the other day from an Eastern-European online University. For some reason this was delivered to my spam folder but I guess this was due to my previous lack of contact with the institution.

The people were so nice to me in the email and they really understood who I was. They completely understood that I have so much potential but lead such a busy life that it is hard for me to dedicate so much time to furthering my education.

After filling out a basic questionnaire about my education levels, they said that my prior learning was sufficient for my desired degree and that all I had to was pay my tuition fees and I would receive my internationally accredited status as a psychologist!

It's so good when someone really understands your needs and wants.

I payed my fees (only $US5,000) and am now just waiting for my certificate in the mail. So from now on you can call me Dr Kiki and I'll be more than happy to offer, free for a short time only, a new counselling service to readers.

Hit me with your problems, and also your rhythm stick, if you so desire.

Politicians hotter than Sarah Palin

2010-03-28T12:00:00.003+11:00

I'm sick of hearing about, although it's not as common as it was during the campaign, how Sarah Palin is hot, for a politician. She's not. She's hot for a 46 year old governor from Alaska, but that's about it.

So I'm going to collaborate a list of politicians hotter than Sarah Palin from around the world. I've also limited this to Federal Politicians, something which our dear Sarah isn't.

Mara Rosaria Carfagna is the Italian Minister for Equal Opportunity. Whatever your thoughts on Italian politics and those that have benefited from Berlusconi, she obtained a law degree before entering Politics.

Rachida Dati, although now getting on a bit, was the French Minister of Justice before becoming a member of the EU Parliament.

Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner is the President of Argentina, which, for all the American readers out there, is the second largest country in South America. She was also First Lady when her husband, Néstor, was President. She's probably had some work done.

Natasha Stott Despoja is no longer in Australian Politics but she definitely rates a mention for her achievements alone. She is the youngest woman to have ever been elected to Australian Parliament and I'm a regular reader of her analysis and commentary still. I still want to vote for the democrats, purely because of her.

There are also some notable Royals floating (what do Royals do these days?) around at the moment:

Princess Letizia of Spain was a journalist before marrying the next king of Spain.

Queen Rania of Jordan is argued in some circles as the most powerful woman in the world and is one of the main reasons why Jordan is the most stable of the middle east countries with one of the best health and education systems in the world.

Princess Madeleine, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland *cough* who I have met *cough* is third in line to the Swedish throne and enjoys horse riding, skiing and going to the theatre.

And of course we can never ignore:

Who's new, alleged, girlfriend has been recently posted as the State Duma Deputee:

Of course, these are just a few. I have no doubt there are more out there. If one extended the search to include to state politics then this list would blow Sarah-Palin-lovers out of the water like the proverbial Moose that Sarah Palin just shot.

My nephew* hates me

2010-03-16T12:00:00.000+11:00

Well, he doesn't hate me. In fact, he's fine with me a lot of the time. So long as I'm not around my girlfriend.

You see, he loves my girlfriend. Loves as much as an 18 month old can love, but loves nonetheless. Now the problem I have is that if he is playing with my girlfriend and I come along and sit next to her, cue big scene.

What can I do to fix this? Just ignore it till he grows up? Spend more time with him (she's spent way more time with him than I have)? Buy him a pony??

*He's not really my nephew. He's actually my cousin's kid. However seeing as I currently don't have any nephews or nieces and that my cousin is 16 years older than me, it's just easier. Plus saying "Uncle Keefy" is a heap easier than "Second cousin Keefy"

Suicide

2010-03-10T12:00:00.001+11:00

I received an email from a friend just before:

"oi you probably know this, but you know AP committed suicide last week?"

I didn't believe it at first. I went to school with AP but we mostly socialized through playing football together. We were never close but always got on quite well. Since we stopped playing football together (2005) we would have seen each other three or four times a year.

This news completely shocked me. My first instinct (apart from confirming it) was to see if another friend, VJ, was OK. She was very close with him. She's not doing too great and talking with her about it has made me feel... strange.

You'd be lucky to meet a guy that had as many good friends as AP and nobody had any idea that he'd been so ill for so long. I guess the main thing that is causing me to sit here and experience such a weird feeling is, not just that he showed no signs of depression, but that this is the first person i know to commit suicide.

I can't really explain it. I'm not upset in that I'm going to cry. I guess it's just shock. The vague light-headedness. The floating sensation of thoughts. The realisation that if it happened to AP, it can happen to anyone.

Strange dream # 286

2010-03-04T12:00:00.001+11:00

I awoke the other day with the remnants of a strange scene having recently been played in my head:

"I know, I know. It's spelled S C H R O (with an umlaut) D E R. I get it now!"

"I have to make sure, it annoys me when people spell it wrong or call me by my maiden name"

I had had a dream that I was in a class room / lecture hall type surrounding, with other people, and current German Federal Minister For Family Affairs, Kristina Schröder, was explaining to everyone the exact spelling of her newly taken upon surname now that she is married. Not to be confused with her maiden name, Köhler.

She was constantly writing it on a whiteboard and we even had to sit a test.

Explain that* somebody

*Before you say "you're obviously infatuated with her" think again. I don't find her attractive (for a politician maybe), I don't have interest in her portfolio and I've never met her. I simply read about it in the news about a month ago (February 12 to be exact) and occasionally watch her through a window.

A sucker for peer-pressure

2010-02-26T12:00:00.000+11:00

Recently, a number of people have been bugging me to do a show at the up-coming Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

By "bugging me" I am referring to my incessant need to be the centre of attention, by "comedy festival" i mean out front of Melbourne Town Hall (hawking my wares / skills on the street) and by "perform" I will be doing my collection of jazz-infused baroque masterpieces using only the human saxophone (my throat box) and the back ground noises of Lithuanian avant-garde cinema (LAGC) drawn mostly from the golden age of LAGC, 1953-1971.

I simply call the show; Silhouette (a blind-sided reference to the subtle effect that the music of Kenny G has had on the Melbourne sub-pop culture music scene in the post-Madchester era).

A Subtle Influence

Freedom of... everything

2010-02-19T12:00:00.002+11:00

The recent decision to ban the burqa in French schools, hospitals, public transport and government offices has me worried. France is the seventh (or eighth, depending on where you look) largest economy in the world, the sixth (seventh) largest Republic, and its population is approx 7.5% Muslim.

The decision is a disproportionate response to a problem that is not adequately determined. A response that works, unnecessarily, to limit freedoms and may restrict some from equal participation in society.

Generally, if the Republic, in this case France, is strong and the democratic institutions are in place then such a place should have nothing to fear, except perhaps fear itself.

It highlights to me the more pressing issues of integration and national security.

In a similar, yet different, matter the Australian government are attempting to limiting the freedoms of the nation by censoring the internet. They are also planning on having the blocked list of sites not known to the public.

Steven Conroy, Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy is quoted "the blacklist is mainly child-abuse and ultra-violent material." Unfortunately for us, we are not allowed to view this list and find out what these other sites contain.

“The Government does not view this debate as an argument about freedom of speech.” Everybody else does.

Personally, I don't want to ever view a webpage involving child-abuse, bestiality or even how to make a bomb, but this has nothing to do with my ability to find it, rather the upbringing I had with my family and friends that resulted in me not being a pervert.

Like computer viruses, the 'bad guys' are always one step ahead. Sites will continue to pop-up constantly that will take a long time to be added to the blacklist. How big will this blacklist become? How will the 'independent body' resist the urge to bulk filter?

The money that is required for this scheme to work would be considerably better spent educating parents on how to protect their children themselves.

I do not want somebody else telling me what I can and cannot view. I would appreciate if I could decide that for myself.

Blogging

2010-02-17T12:00:00.002+11:00

When did blogging become such a huge source of information?

How come when I now watch respected evening news services, several stories are inundated with references to blogs and sometimes even interview 'bloggers' directly.

Has anyone noticed this new trend of news broadcasters no longer interviewing / referencing experts, but rather going straight for the opinionated blogger?

How often do you now hear on the news "this has been reported on networking sites like twitter and facebook and on blogs across the world."

Is it just me, or are news services becoming less credible?

One half of the argument

2010-02-12T12:00:00.003+11:00

There have been a lot of people calling for Environment Minister Peter Garrett's head over the recent deaths in home roof insulation installations under the federal government rebate.

Apparently, Garrett was warned 13 times by various groups (including NECA the national body for, among others, electrical contractors) about the dangers of installing foil insulation in the roofs of homes.

The Australian Standard, AS3000 Wiring Rules for all electrical installations says:

"All cables must be fully insulated or such that they are placed in conduit to protect from exposure"

If NECA knew there was the potential risk for electrocution by simply coming into contact with these "fully insulated" cables, they knew that electrical installations did not comply with Australian Standards.

We are hearing nothing about this, only how the Minister should be charged with manslaughter.
You don't hear how one victim, Mitchell Sweeney, put a nail through a live cable. Or another died of heat exhaustion. As tragic as these are, they have nothing to do with this argument.

Peter Garrett probably shouldn't lose his job over this (he should have already lost it), his intentions were good and he was let down by the growing problem of poor quality trade work.

How come a national representative organisation was aware that illegal practice (not building to Australia Standards) was taking place and did nothing about it?

I believe the two deaths should be pinned on NECA's head, not the Government's. NECA is the national body representing the electrical installations.

Breast Cancer Awareness

2010-01-20T12:00:00.001+11:00

Recently, on Facebook, female users were asked to post the colour of the bra they were wearing to "raise awareness for breast cancer."

How much awareness do people need? I'm pretty sure that everybody is "aware" or breast cancer (the free dictionary defines 'aware' as "having knowledge of"). From the amount of publicity breast cancer gets, one would assume it was the most prevalent and biggest killer of all cancers.
According to the Cancer Council of Australia:

More males are diagnosed with cancer each year than females
Prostate Cancer was the most diagnosed cancer (17%) in 2005, followed by bowel (13%) and then breast (12%)
Lung Cancer was responsible for the most deaths (19%) in 2005, followed by bowel (13%), unknown (8%), prostate (8%) and then breast (7%)

Aside from the media that lung cancer receives, you are unlikely to hear much about these other cancers (prostate and bowel) unless you look for it.

Every type of cancer is a terrible thing and everybody knows somebody who has had, or has, cancer. Some people have been affected a lot more directly than others. I believe, as a whole, people need to become more aware of all cancers and I think the spread of awareness (and resultant donations for research / support facilities) needs to be divided amongst all forms of cancer.

And let us not forget that men suffer breast cancer too! Albiet, not many. However you only ever see 'awareness' being raised for female sufferers.

What do you think?

Climate

2010-01-13T12:00:00.004+11:00

I've been hearing a lot of 'scare tactics' lately about the recent spate of unusual weather in our little corner of the world. Standard calls from hardcore environmentalists indicate that the month of November, 2009, was a clear indication of climate change; being both the hottest and wettest November in recent time.

November was certainly unique: it absolutely poured for about 2 weeks as well as being scorching hot for the other two weeks.

However, if you look at the rainfall and temperature averages in Melbourne (dating back to the 19th century) you will see a different picture being painted in front of your eyes.

Rainfall for November showed 107.2mm. That's a lot, it's above the mean; but it's nothing compared to some other, recent results.

Temperature for November showed a mean of 27.1 degrees C. That's huge. Scrolling through the records there is only one average temperature above 25. This doesn't indicate global warming though, contrary to popular belief. November was a unique month of hot temperatures. It is well above the 95th percentile.
In statistics, this record is generally not considered as it is such an outlier - hence the existence of the 5th and 95th (or 10 and 90) percentiles.

I'll be interested to see how hot November 2010 and 2011 are and then compare them to the facts. It's also interesting to see, from the stats, that average temperatures have not being steadily increasing in recent years. Still using November as an example, temperatures have commonly averaged between 20 and 24 degrees. This is no different to recent years.

I don't think people should so quickly jump on the global warming bandwagon as there are just too many things that we do not know. We still don't even know much about El Niño and La Niña, which have affected us directly for centuries and could even be responsible for the crazy weather, or Ice Age's, which we could well be coming to the end one of right now.

I am a climate change sceptic, but I have long believed that it is essential that we reduce the amount of crap that we pump into the earth / atmosphere as it either damages the environment directly or does irreparable destruction in the future.

Every avenue possible should be researched about what is going on in the world today, but nothing should be used as an excuse to continue polluting to the extent that we do.

Female Quota

2010-01-05T12:00:00.000+11:00

There should never be a quota for the number of women in Australian Boardrooms; this proposal is ludicrous and will only do harm to companies. Apparently, there is currently only 8.3% of female representation in Australian Boardrooms. This number is extremely low, but does not need to be rectified immediately, it will be done over time.

I can't find a statistic to back me up, but I am going to assume that most boardroom members are Baby Boomers. The people calling for a quota of women in boardrooms are generally people from Generation X.
To become a member of a boardroom, one would hope that it comes purely on merit. Merit can be easily assessed from someone that has been around for a long time and has lots of experience; the more experience the better.

Two of the main differences between Baby Boomers and Gen X's is my main argument, the Stay-At-Home-Mum factor. Many Baby Boomers were afforded the luxury to be able to have mothers stay at home and raise children. As we're seeing now, this is becoming less-and-less of an option.

As an example, I'm the youngest of three. My eldest sibling is six years older than me and my mum didn't go back to work until i was 5. That's 11-12 years out of the rat-race. I'm not saying this happened in every family, but it was very common for Baby Boomer Mothers to be out of the system for several years raising a family. How, then, can someone of this demographic have the same credentials as someone who has been in the workforce for 40 years straight (not 10 years, then a 10 year break, then 20 years)?

Baby Boomers had a luxury that may never be seen again; and as more retire over the next 10-or-so years we will see an influx of Gen X stepping into their vacated positions. Throughout this transitional phase, we will see an increase in the number of women in the top jobs in Australia. Women who have not been so lucky as to take several years off work to raise children.

A quota for the number of women in Australian Boardrooms is not necessary. It is something that will, slowly, happen naturally over the next few decades.

Carbon

2009-12-14T12:00:00.002+11:00

The Kyoto Protocol's objective is to reduce green-house gas emissions by 5.2% from 1990 levels by 2012. The following chart (sourced here) outlines Australia's emissions and breaks them down into each sector:

Figure 1. CO2 emissions - 1990, 2000 and 2006 comparison

According to this data, to reduce Australia's emissions by 5.2% from 1990 levels would mean our total emissions would need to be reduced by 31.2492 Mt of CO2. The likelihood of this happening with 3 years is slim, but more cuts can be made by 2015, as 2012 is so close.

The World Wildlife Fund argues that Australia has 24 coal-fired power stations that emit 170Mt of CO2 every year. That is almost 140 million tonnes, per year, more than Kyoto wants.

The chart below details how much of our electricity is generated from coal:

Figure 2. Australia's electricity generation methods

These coal fired power stations produce approximately 27,840MW across the nation.

Australia has the largest known Uranium reserves and huge stores of Natural Gas.
The cost to build a nuclear plant is approximately $1.4m / MW. A natural gas plant is approximately $1m / MW. To cover Australia's coal-fired electricity production (27,840MW) with a combination of gas and nuclear would cost:

$13.92b for gas
$20.88b for nuclear

Yes, that is a lot of money, but if this did happen ($34b is only 3.3% of GDP) it would reduce Australia's emissions to around 410Mt of CO2 (25% below 1990 levels). How many other countries would achieve such goals? This, of course, would not all be spent in one year, but rather over several years and therefore will not affect the budget / national debt as much.

If, as it seems likely, there will be a worldwide ET S, Australia would have (if emissions were cut to 25% of 1990 levels) around 96 million international permits to sell, each year. At the current European price, this equates to a $2.5b windfall. Each year.
-It should be added here that the only thing that can possibly have any chance of binding the whole world to reduce emissions is a price for carbon and a Carbon Pollution reduction scheme that all countries sign to. Without a price for carbon and a binding pollution reduction scheme, there is no way to hold countries accountable for not meeting targets. Having to buy international permits is punishment; conversely, reducing emissions is rewarded by selling permits. Nothing seems to motivate people more than a cash prize-

As electricity generators would not be taxed-through-the-roof, electricity bills will not see a large price hike. Foreign investment will also not see a dive in the power sector, as is highly possible under the current scheme.

The only industry that will be affected is the coal mining industry. Australia has massive coal reserves (note that is only black coal, Victoria has the largest brown coal reserves) and it is not economically viable to leave them sitting in the ground and cease extraction processes. We can still export this coal. There are huge demands in Japan and other Asian economies for both black and dried-out brown coal.

Australians though will probably never agree to nuclear power, just as they have never agreed to drinking recycled sewage water (yet western countries have been utilising both for decades). Also, politicians probably won't push this kind of sweeping change as it is looking further than the standard 2-3 years of political planning / win enough votes for the next election.

So I guess we'll just have to grin-and-bear a massive hike in electricity bills (like some places have seen with water) yet sit pretty knowing we're emitting more CO2 into the atmosphere than any other developed country.

Floppy Baby Syndrome

2009-12-07T12:00:00.002+11:00

A while ago now, I was listening to some Current Affairs on the radio and something caught my attention. There is such a condition as Floppy Baby Syndrome whereby infants muscles don't tone so well, hence causing the baby to 'flop.' It has a proper name too, Hypotonia.

The report went on to state that there have been major break-throughs in the science that may one day treat this condition. Scientists have discovered, I kid you not, the Skeletor Protein!

I don't know if you're aware of my run-ins with Skeletor in the past (part 1 has just been linked, here are 2 and 3) but I would not trust that guy as far as I could throw him;* so that have something bearing his name injected is much akin to HAVING SKELETOR INJECTED INTO YOUR MUSCLES. It's just another of his plots to finally achieve universe domination.

Can you imagine the look on his face as a part of him is injected into another, unsuspecting infant?

The end of the world is nigh.

*Pretty certain I couldn't throw him

Natalie Portman is marriage material

2009-11-30T12:00:00.000+11:00

Not only is she attractive and intelligent - she has a psychology degree from Harvard and speaks fluent Hebrew, French and Japanese - she would also be worth a tidy some of money.

A good friend of mine, Scum, has long been well acquainted with her looks and has often let others know his feelings. When I alerted him to the added intellectual capabilities his reply was simply:

"Wow"

Although we did get talking. Why isn't she married yet? Until Scum said:

"Yeah, I'd totally marry her if she wasn't an outy"

So it turns out that her belly button sticks out... No wonder she isn't married. Poor girl. If it didn't bother Scum she'd probably jump to marry him, one could only assume, as she would be so keen to 'tie-the-knot' with her condition.

Oh well, guess it was never to be. Poor Nat.

Business idea

2009-11-24T12:00:00.000+11:00

In addition to my other, genius, business ideas; I have come up with another sure fire niche to make myself rich.

Once I discover what it is exactly that makes your urine (not everyone's mind) smell awesome from asparagus, I endeavour to harvest that chemical compound and produce it in a salt format - presented in a spice grinder.

That way, people will be able to spread the good stuff over any meal; not just those containing asparagus.

Noughty Christmas Party

2009-11-18T12:00:00.002+11:00

I received an email from a friend inviting me to a 'Noughty Christmas Party' to celebrate the end of the noughties. Amazingly, the theme is 'naughty.'

Here's the email (there was an invite attached, but that's pretty lame) with my thoughts:

********************

Ever heard about those crazy advertising party’s back in the 80’s?

Not really, should I have?

Well now you are invited to one!

Cool, I guess.

This is going to be a WILD party –entertainment includes- midgets, pole dancers, Burlesque dancers, topless waiters and bar flarers (thanks to all our sponsors)

Cool. I like WILD. I also like pole dance, burlesque, topless waiters (only if this is politically correct and the term 'waiter' represents 'waitress' too) and bar flarers.
I don't really like midgets though. Nothing against them personally. I'm just really awkward around them. I imagine this would be increased several-fold by the fact that the midgets would be there because they are midgets, not on their own human merit. I'd feel obliged to talk to them, taking effort not to stare at their big heads and end up looking away, making it obvious I'm trying not to look at them.
I also generally don't trust people I could throw.

Also there are EARLY BIRD $49 tickets which are significantly cheaper so get on board. (you may have to become a member to get these but that is free)

I have to pay to feel awkward around people I don't trust??

Please forward on to all your naughty friends

Instead of spending money on midgets, they could have just supplied heaps of drugs or something, surely?

********************

Can we toss/throw the midgets? On second thoughts, that's something I'd probably been keen on about 4am, completely wasted.

Whilst on the topic of midgets, anybody reading this should go to google, type in "do midgets" and wait for google to suggest the most common searches.

ThreeThousand

2009-11-17T12:00:00.000+11:00

Oh ThreeThousand, i used to enjoy the occasional gem found in your sporadic issues. But i think you have now gone too far and as a result i am (well, i already have) unsubscribing.

The latest issue is titled 'Nevermind' and has this as the main picture:

In case you're from planet Xooberon and don't know, this is referenced from the famous Nirvana album cover:

ThreeThousand have just totally pissed me off with their hipster attitude where somedude-that-kinda-looks-like-the-guy-from-REM thinks it'd be a great idea to take this photo. I have no problem with this, people are free to do as they please. I'm just pissed off by the sheer laziness involved in taking the picture.

If i had kids I'd use these two pictures and play the "Can you find 26 differences between these two pictures" game. Most of the differences don't even bother me. Fair enough he's wearing shorts. Kinda weird he's screaming, but whatever. Interesting claw-thing going on with your left hand there. Australian money? Good idea as it's easily obtainable here AND IT'S WATERPROOF!
But what about the fucking string around his hand holding the money there? That is what really pisses me off, making all the other differences annoy me more.

2 months ago, i took this picture of my friend Daz. It was about 7am and we had been boozing all night. He was bring us both fresh beers and i had an underwater camera. This is what two hammered guys can do in 2 seconds:

We were not trying to do Nevermind, but fuck, it looks a hell-of-a-lot more like the original than ThreeThousand's abomination (they could have at least gone in the deep end so as not to get that whole 'on the side' thing).

My generation is so terrible (large percentage of) it makes me sick.

Cute dog

2009-11-12T12:00:00.001+11:00

"Hey, cute dog! How old is he?"

"She is 3 months"

How come most people automatically refer to dogs as 'he?'
Like all mammals, the sex is pretty much right on a 50-50 chance of going either way, so how come dogs are male by default, or until proven female?

This got me thinking, what other animals have similar traits? I was discussing this with my friend El Presidente, and this is our list:

Big cats = she
Zebras = he
Meerkats = she
horses = she
rhinos = he
monkeys = he

boats = she
cars = she (based upon El's experience in India where a taxi driver informed her that some drivers decorate their vehicles as if they were their wives)

This also reminded me of every time I've (tried) learnt a language (except Indonesian). The male and female case. Look at all the 'il' animals here! They are all big boys (not quite)! Whereas the 'la' animals are more graceful and pretty to look at (generally).

Ah, the Italians. They all have such a wonderful way with words. So romantic! Bless 'em!

What do you call "he's" and "she's," and is there anything you refer to as "it?"

NOTE: That is not my dog. That dog was borrowed from google

Old Macdonald

2009-10-19T07:37:00.001+11:00

I've been hanging out with a lot of kids lately and one thing that i have noticed as strange is the lyrical progression of animal noises in the song "Old Macdonald had a farm."

I'm sure you all have heard the song before so I'll cut straight to the chase:
Once the song gets to the part where everybody begins doing their best animal impersonations, I found something odd. For example:
"...and on that farm he had a pig, Ee i ee i oh!, with an 'oink oink' here, and an 'oink oink' there, Ee i ee i oh!"

"And on that farm he had some chickens, Ee i ee i oh! With a cluck-cluck here, And a cluck-cluck there"

etc. etc.

One animal i find interesting though, is the poor old cow. Every animal is able to showcase his/her noises twice per demonstration, but the poor cow merely gets the one. For example:

"And on that farm he had a cow, Ee i ee i oh! With a moooo here, And a moooo there"

To be fair, it is always a drawn-out "moooooo" as opposed to the quicker "cluck-cluck"

Has anybody else noticed this? Or have you heard a "moo-moo here and a moo-moo there?"

But i can't help it, i'm a romantic fool

2009-07-23T12:00:00.003+10:00

I like to do little things for that special someone every now and then to remind them what a catch i am.

I did some extensive research on new places to go and things to do. I wanted it to be something completely fantastic. Something that everybody knows is fantastic, but nobody has done before.

We both have to work 9-til-5 at work. I was getting so excited i couldn't contain my sanity. In fact, they only thing that helped pass the time away was knowing that we'd be down at Echo Beach that day!

We hit a glitch in the navigation though, all we could find was "far away in time."
Confusing. If this place is so good then why don't more people know where it is? IS IT EVEN REAL??

Did Martha lie to me all these years?

Holy shit! How many Canadians does it take to write a deceptive one-hit-wonder? Which one is Martha? Is she the blonde one?? Is that her mother on the left?
And is that a young Phil Collins next to her?

There is so much more to the Muffins than I ever realised...

I like to be, under the sea,

2009-06-04T12:00:00.000+10:00

in an octopus' garden, in the shade

we bought an underwater camera the other day and had the sudden urge to use it on something really big. So we went and swam with the biggest fish in the sea:

Note this guy was about 9m long...

and this guy was about 4m diammeter:

and these guys were just chillin'

Mandy

2009-05-24T12:00:00.001+10:00

A friend of mine, let's call him Steve, was walking home through Northbridge*, WA, a few months back, very drunk. What better time to stop in to a sex shop? - Rhetorical question, there is no better time.
This is where Steve found Mandy. Mandy was reduced to just $20 and when you see the pictures below, you will see how Steve couldn't afford not to buy her.

When Steve approached the counter he said to the clerk:
"I can't believe you're selling this for $20!" to which the clerk replied
"I can't believe you're buying it"

Since then, Mandy has held a special place in the hearts of all that have come across her path. She has touched many.

So it is with great pleasure that I am able to introduce you to Mandy (be sure to enlarge the second picture and enjoy the read!):

Note: She is mostly only brought out for dinner parties

*Northbridge being known for it's sex shops etc.

No credit to the original

2009-05-17T12:00:00.000+10:00

I was listening to one of my all time favourite acts the other day, George Baker Selection, when Una Paloma Blanca came on:*

I was bopping along to the joyful tunes when i was struck with a disgusted, confused and dirty feeling.
Has George Baker ripped off one of the all time classics???

You decide:

Now, are you as disappointed as I am?

*how often have you seen a recorder in a pop song?

So how does it feel?

2009-04-27T12:00:00.000+10:00

One of the things that really gets on my nerves at birthday times is when somebody asks:

"So, another year older, how does it feel?"

It feels the same as yesterday you idiot. How come you're only asking me this now when i see you every day? I'm not a year older overnight, I'm a day older.
Now unless I'd just been sentenced to life imprisonment overnight, or my favourite budgie had died, I'm pretty sure I feel the same as yesterday, plus or minus a 5% buffer.

Get fucked.

Summer programming

2009-03-29T12:00:00.000+11:00

Everybody knows that over the summer months the quality of TV programming greatly declines. The terrible cheap shows are on that are not good enough to show in the higher rating periods and all the main presenters are on holiday.

The same goes for radio. All the presenters are on holiday and there are either fill-ins or no presenters at all. The difference between radio and tv is that the quality of music does not decline. In fact it probably goes up as presenters / programmers are given more freedom to do as they choose.

The month or so over the christmas- new year period was some of the most enjoyable radio listening i've had. Especially on Triple J.

It gave me the opportunity to hear some awesome new bands and not have to deal with mediocre radio personalities that seem to be in abundance on Australian radios...

I listen to the radio either for music or talkback; but not a hybrid blend of both at the same time.

What goes around

2009-03-25T12:00:00.001+11:00

When i was trekking North America back in 2006 I did it all on the cheap. A lot of couchsurfing and a lot of Greyhound. Even if you've never been on a greyhound bus, you more than likely heard about how terrible their service is.

On one occasion i was busing from Boston to Montreal, then to get a second bus to Ottawa. I know what you're thinking; why would i not stop over in Montreal but go all the way to Ottawa? Well, i was planning to go to Montreal on the way back to New England. One thing i quickly worked out is that you don't want to do long trips on greyhound. Not only was it stinking hot and ridiculously humid, it was also very late (schedule, not time of day).
I was going to get the last bus of the night from Montreal to Ottawa, but as you can imagine the first bus was late and i missed the second. Montreal is by no means a bad city to be stuck in, quite the contrary actually, but it also happened to be the final weekend of the Jazz Festival.

There was absolutely no budget accommodation available. I walked from hostel to hostel growing increasingly frustrated / desperate. One hostel worker was kind enough to give me a list of other hostels and relevant information. I was struggling to find one hostel (i didn't have a phone) when i asked a lady on the street for directions. After briefly explaining my situation (she was an English speaking native of Quebec) she said she'd just call them all and find out for me. Awesome.

After calling about six, she too was becoming increasingly frustrated and eventually came to the following conclusion:
"Fuck it, you seem like a nice enough guy, throw your bags in the back of my car, come out to this 80's bar with me and just stay at my place." Awesome.

Montreal quickly became my favourite city in North America but it wasn't long before i had to move on and finally visit my friend in Ottawa, then go to Toronto, then head back east.

Pretty much wherever i needed to go (I had to be back in Boston within a few weeks) I was going back through Montreal. I contacted C and she informed me that she was about to head up to Quebec City for a few days to visit her grandparents before she went off to Panama for a couple of months. She offered me a ride (and more free accom) and i got to see more of Canada, with a local (sort of) who was extremely handy; I don't speak french.

It's safe to say, without C i would have been in a lot of trouble that first night. I also wouldn't have seen the cool things that only the locals do and i had my very own translator.

So last weekend when i was walking home from a small night out with a couple of mates at 1am and there was a back packer sitting on a park bench in front of my apartment block; i enquired as to why she was sitting, with all her belongings, by herself and so late at night in Perth's most violent suburb she informed me of her dilemma. She'd arrived that day (and had accom booked) but there had been a double-booking and all the other hostels in the city area were booked out too. She was going to sleep on the street, but opted for outside my apartment block because it was well-lit and clean...

Not wanting some poor German tourist to be killed in the middle of the night, I offered her my couch. My mate and neighbour has a spare room so she moved in there the next night and the three of us have hung out all the time since. The next day, we were going to the beach to check some sculptures and then go sailing afterwards. These are not things she would have known about / would generally do, but it's what we already do so bring her along for a good time. Plus i get to practice my German.

Doing all the touristy things are good; but you never experience a place until you experience what the locals experience.

It's often little things that can make huge differences to someone else

I'm done with inspirational quotes for now.

Hipster Pop

2009-03-22T12:00:00.001+11:00

I have a lot of friends who are hipsters. The problem i have with the entire hipster thing is nothing to do with how somebody acts, dresses or behaves; it is to do with the music.*

To me, hipster pop is bands like: CSS, MGMT, Bonde Do Role, the Ting Tings etc. The kind of music that is catchy but isn't very technical. The synthesizer equivalent of the explosion of British not-so-good-musicians-but-somehow-topping-the-charts bands circa 2004.**

While other fads are cyclical, i don't think hipster pop will ever make it round again. I just can't see people listening to these bands in 10 years time when they haven't had a hit for a while and nobody wants to see them play anymore, even though it only costs $15 to get in.

Having said all this, for the past month or so, I've been listening to this song a lot:

After hearing it the first time (she does have a pleasing singing voice) i checked out who the singer was. Probably doesn't help (my listening of the song) to find out she is also not too bad on the eyes:

Fortunately for me though; i finally acquired the new albums of Beirut, Bat for Lashes*** and An Horse. Rest easy, only quality music blasting in my home for the foreseeable future.

*I'll happily admit that i dressed quite hipster for a while a couple of years ago. It was a good idea at the time, you know, but i got over it.

**not to be confused with the explosion of British bands in the 90's.

***Zach Condon and Natasha Khan are amazing musicians. I absolutely adore them. Add Jens Lekman to that category too and you have the three highest rotations of the last 18 months

Dutch Oven

2009-03-06T12:00:00.001+11:00

My brother is 7 years my senior. As you can imagine, during my teens, he drove me many places. Predominantly in this, his first, car:

There's something about older brother's and their ability to fart consistently, and badly. Someone with any experience of dutch oven's would have already realised that it would be very easy to create a similar atmosphere within that tiny car.

Two memories are forever etched in my memory from these times:

The passenger window didn't open easily. So you were punished by my brother regularly, evil laugh and all.
The smell of those farts

I have never forgotten the distinct smell of those farts. They were so unique it was unbelievable. Horrible and unique; a formidable combination.
I always wondered what one would have to do / eat to create such an horrendous smell. It baffles me, still to this day.

And now, almost 10 years later, i discover that my own farts are taking on similar aspects! I haven't been eating anything different, but my farts have been heading more and more towards that smell!

It's so weird it's freaky. I don't know what to make of it all; i figure i just embrace the farts for what they are and enjoy them whilst i can.

Watch out colleagues / friends / foes

Dear Housemate,

2009-02-25T12:00:00.000+11:00

If you told me you had roller-blades before we moved in together; I would have canned the whole thing.

Yours Sincerely,

Keeks

Coffee To (not) Go (near)

2009-02-21T12:00:00.000+11:00

At work, we don't have a coffee machine; all we have is that attempt at "blending" 43 different varieties of coffee into a soluble format. There are also no cafes near us.

I resort (out of desperation) into the ready-to-go lattes/cappuccinos that come in sachets.

They're OK, I've tried a few different types and figured I'd try more until i came across this:

No wonder it was so cheap! I say to myself as i smell this concoction; and it tastes even worse!

I look at the box to find some information about the company:

Although it's hard to see, you'll have to take my word that there are 11 different languages there (give or take) and not one of them is English.

Through my detective skills, I find that it is made in Poland, in Wadowice. Which happens to (only) be famous for being the birth place of Pope JP.
It certainly isn't famous for it's instant coffee... I'd rather eat a crusty, white, dried-out dog poo (HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE THOSE ON FOOTPATHS* ANYMORE???) then drink this shit.

The moral of the story: catholicism is bad

*footpath = sidewalk
Footpath is better though, as it is a path and your feet go on it. You certainly don't walk sideways on it - nor is it to the side when going through the middle of a park or something.

13-year-old boy becomes a father

2009-02-19T12:00:00.001+11:00

I'm sure you're all aware by now of the uproar surrounding the case in Britain where the 15yo girl who gave birth to a baby; but nobody really knows who the father is?

i don't see what the huge thing is, to me this scenario is a little too common in Britain. After all, it does have the highest teen pregnancy levels in Europe.

Clearly the girl, and all her alleged boyfriends, is promiscuous. After all, there now seem to be 8 boys claiming to be the daddy!

So, Maisie; WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Oh Dear God No

You know, I'd actually like to see when the 'verdict' is read out. It would be quite entertaining. Have them all there together, Nick Nolte included. Also have Gary Busey wandering in-and-out just to really confuse people about what the fuck is going on!

Yeah, that'd be ace

MGMT

2009-02-11T12:00:00.002+11:00

Dear MGMT,

i really like your music. I mean, it's good, not great, i don't think anyone will be listening to you in 3 years, but for now it's enjoyable.

What i don't like about you guys is that every time you come on at a pub/club, you empower people. You especially seem to empower fat guys and convince them it's cool to dance like a douche and yell at their friends and be all sweaty.

but it's great they're getting involved.

Yours Sincerely

kik

Tan Rating

2009-02-05T12:00:00.000+11:00

Being summer in this ridiculously hot country; it is customary for most to have various shades of tan.

Aphrodite and I have developed an effective system of defining our respective skin colouring in a way that most people can understand.

It ranges from the winter-strong moon-tan through to the end of summer look-like-an-ancient-greek-god.

We call it the MJ-Rating.

Basically, all you have to do is equate your tan to a different era of Michael Jackson's lifetime.

Most people start summer with the current MJ look:

Nobody wants that shit...
Then there are those first shades of summer skin. The MJ Circa late 80's:

Mid 80's now. Ooooh that tan is looking nice. Coconut oil?

MJ Circa Thriller. Great tan, although you should probably get a job and not sit outside so much:

MJ circa Jackson 5. Skin cancer alert = high

Currently i'm sitting pretty with an MJ Rating of mid-80's. How's yours?

Dirty deeds; done dirt cheap

2009-02-01T12:00:00.001+11:00

I've been in a little bit of an emotional hiatus lately. It all began a couple of weeks ago when i was just cruising around and was attracted to this really bright light (I'm like that).

Turns out it was the ocean's equivalent of a Venus Fly Trap, with me being the fly. I spent a whole two days inside the whale. It mostly wasn't so bad. It was insulated and there was a constant supply of cheese. There was one bad thing though; Cotton-Eyed Joe was playing on repeat. The entire time. No let up. it began making me hallucinate and see things out of the norm. For a time i thought that I'd gone to the future, another time i thought I'd been eaten by i dinosaur:

The fusion of country and techno does that to you...

After what seemed an eternity, i was saved by none other than Genghis Khan, in boy format. He hacked his way through that whales body with ruthless abandon. I was suitably impressed and glad to leave my warm, fuzzy, hell-hole of a prison.

ready. always ready

I was still so delusional after my ordeal i actually thought the apocalypse was finally here

winds of change blowing across my reality

Since my ordeal I've pretty much been doing only two things:

crying in the foetal position like someone who has been abducted by aliens and had an anal probe insertion
staring at the wall of my toilet, where i am certain was the regular scene for many fornicating tales of reckless mayhem.

hand print, above head print, above toilet

a close-up of the hand print

it has all been a bit much for me, what with Cotton-Eyed Joe still playing in my head and the knowledge that my abode's previous occupants flaunted their sexual prowess regularly.
Where else did they do it?
I've been searching for other signs. So far i have found none. But you can't convince me otherwise that the marks above my toilet are not the same as this (NSFW).

Facebook advertising

2009-01-16T12:00:00.000+11:00

Facebook advertising for part-time jobs:

Is it fair to assume that they are in Porn?

"It won't ever happen to me"

2009-01-12T12:00:00.000+11:00

"It always happens to other people, but not me."

Well shit. It DID happen to me.

Far out. Not even a week after I'd bragged about my ruthlessness.

No more beetroot in my sandwiches (unless I'm wearing these trousers; which, let's face it, i wear every day)

Football with style?

2009-01-08T12:00:00.001+11:00

I receive all the promotional emails from the governing body of football in Australia. Which means i receive info about all leagues that are played. I'm not particularly interested in any of the leagues besides the A-League (yet sometimes my interest in that wanes).

Apparently the W-League (women's league) finals are approaching. All well and good, but below is the picture that made up most of the email:

The first thing that struck me about this picture is the women themselves. I thought to myself that if they are all playing in the W-League, maybe i should get along to a game or two...
(I also thought that it was unlikely that all these femmes were, in actual fact, members of W-League teams).

I had a closer look and noticed something fishy, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. I figured i'd have a look at the W-League teams webpages and try and find these sultry soccer stars.

And that's when it hit me. The four girls in the front are wearing the outfits of international teams. They don't even play in the W-League (and probably don't play soccer either judging by their builds)!

Shame Football Federation Australia, Shame.

And here i was ready to strap on my drinking shoes and head to a game!!

I also think it's nifty that all four girls are from different racial backgrounds, but they should have added a black girl to complete the harmony.

So what's your take on this advertising ploy?

In love with Danger

2009-01-06T12:00:00.002+11:00

There's something invigorating about doing something that is really risky. I can't get enough of it. It makes me feel like I'm alive. Really gets my heart and adrenalin racing. To me, it's like a natural high.

I'm also in the habit of bringing food to work and making my own, fresh, sandwiches. There are many different reasons for this, such as: it's cheaper, healthier, easier etc. but the main reason is the danger of it all.

I'm quite partial to beetroot slices in my sandwich. Not only do they taste delicious, but they offer the danger that i need and thrive on.

There is probably nothing harder to remove then a beetroot stain. That's why i eat my sandwich straight over my lap with absolutely no protection between it and my work attire.

I live for the thrill. Much, i presume, like a skydiver or Evil Knievel.

Oh yeah. I'm bad.

Hot French Chicks

2008-12-29T12:00:00.001+11:00

I saw Nouvelle Vague last week and here are all the photos / videos i took for the night. There isn't much better than seeing hot French chicks singing Love Will Tear Us Apart or Dead Kennedys songs

Blister In The Sun

Too Drunk To Fuck

Religion in Schools

2008-12-23T12:00:00.001+11:00

There has been a bit of open debate lately on whether or not public schools should be teaching Religious Education.

I, for one, think that they should. But i don't think they should be teaching solely about christianity. I think they should do a small stint on every religion, you know, help build up tolerance etc.

This gives each student the (potential) chance to make their own decisions and be somewhat informed (for once).

But this also opens up debate about what is a religion.

According to the last Australian census; Jedi is an official religion
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedi

Although Tom Cruise would try and have you believe it, Scientology isn't a religion, in fact, it has been granted cult status by the German government and has hence been banned (in Germany).
However there are always enough idiots going around (Germany has a far better public schooling system than most western countries) to argue that it is a religion and should be considered equally yadda yadda yadda.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology

Most people with something of a science background would notice that there are some critical links missing in the bible's explanation of things. Cool, whatever, believe what you want to believe. However how so many people, to this day, can faithfully believe in a religion that was so obviously invented for fraudulant purposes is beyond me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism

My point is this. No matter what you believe in there is always going to be something that completely baffles you. What we need is broader education for all in order to more comfortably accept these things.

What i'd love to see is the holy scripture of the Church of the Flying Spaghettie Monster taught in schools along with buddhism, allah and god (wait aren't they the same guy?). I'm a bit of a realist though and i know that this won't happen until we make it happen!

So until that day i'll just be praying, like a true Pastafarian, to the Flying Spaghetti Monster

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastafarian
http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/

have a fabulous (INSERT RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY HERE)! Hope you eat lots of (TRADITIONAL FOODS) and drink heaps, albiet responsibly (WHERE APPLICABLE)

Living and Learning

2008-12-13T12:00:00.000+11:00

I recently relocated to another state and was afforded up to $3000 relocation allowance. I moved in to accomodation with everything, except my bedroom, which i only needed a bed for.
So i purchased a $3000 bed.

The bed isn't really $3000. It was $1800 for the bed and mattress. and then i spent a further $1000 on bedding. I think, although it does look pretty and is quite solid, i have worked out exactly where all the money of the frame goes...

into the packaging.

Sheer ridiculousness.

I have also learnt, first-hand, the full extent of living in the most remote city in the world. The other day i was in desperate need of a hair cut, so stopped in at a barber i was passing on the outskirts of said remote city.

As a guess i'd say there are not too many gay aboriginal hair dressers in this world, but i managed to find one!
For $10 and the instructions "pretty much just half the length all over" i ended up with clippers on the top of my head and scissors on the sides.

i didn't say too much, i just wanted to get out of there quickly.

That's what i ended up with. I rushed home and tried as best i could to tidy it up myself...
i should also point out that i asked for it to be really short at the front.

You live and learn i guess.

Puddin

2008-12-08T12:00:00.000+11:00

As a tip for you

2008-12-03T12:00:00.008+11:00

I will now provide you with the worst anniversary songs of the past three years.

2006: Bat Fo Lashes - What's a Girl To Do?

"We walked arm in arm
But I didn't feel his touch
A desire I'd first tried to hide,
That tingling inside was gone
And when he asked me:
'do you still love me?'
I had to look away
I didn't want to tell him
That my heart grows colder with each day"

Ouch!

2007: Jens Lekman - I'm Leaving You Because I Don't Love You

"i'm so sorry that i'm leaving you
because i don't love you"

2008: Vampire Weekend - Campus

"How am I supposed to pretend
I never want to see you again?"

Perfect for that special occasion, as endorsed by Kiki.

My Old Boss

2008-11-28T12:00:00.000+11:00

He is a bit of a character, but thank fuck i don't ever have to work with him again. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy with his heart in the right place, but he was just an idiot.

This one time he was at his desk (next to mine) and he was trying to figure out how to turn the volume up on his mobile ring. So he sat there and dialed his number on the landline, trying to figure out how to turn it up.
Eventually it rang out and went to voicemail but he kept fiddling with it and talking to himself. about 40 seconds later he quips
"shit, i called myself" and promptly hangs up.
Soon afterwards he receives a text message and says out loud (to himself)
"oh, i have a voice mail. when did that ring?"

He listens to it for about 10 seconds before hanging up and going quiet for a while. I assume he's trying to avoid ridicule.

I say nothing and thank fuck everyday that i no longer work for the twat!

Battling the Vikings

2008-11-18T12:00:00.001+11:00

We're seeing Emiliana Torrini tonight. The Icelandic folk singer. What's the plan of attack?

Those Vikings truly are a ferocious opponent. We really don't have the man-power to try a Battle of the Bulge scenario. Three people just do not cut it.
It hasn't rained at all lately either, so our long bows won't be as effective as they were at Agincourt.

We three could always challenge their most superior three to individual duels... But that eliminates our advantage of being smarter than all things Icelandic.

Since they are Vikings and we are descended (mostly) of Celtic origin, we should adopt an Early Middle Ages strategy - to pay homage as to when our civilisations were at their peak* - but our strategy should exploit the enemies weakness.

Traditionally, the right flank is where the strongest and most loyal forces are positioned. I suggest we position Henrika on our left flank as a sacrificial ploy. That way, Eleanor and I can smash through the barbaric front lines and flank their strongest, out-numbering them to boot.

I also believe we need to perform this action under the cover of darkness. We should meet slightly beforehand, somewhere close by, to ensure everything is ready.

Should we make it around 7.30PM? Outside the Forum?

Cool as. See you then. Oh, and don't forget the tickets!

*Early Middle Ages = Dark Ages. Says a lot about where we come from...

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it,

2008-11-13T12:00:00.003+11:00

is to sing a hit song from the 80's.

hmmm. The 80's were pretty shit. I'll just take a rain-check thanks.

sorry?

I'm not going to accept it.

Oh. You kind of have to.

Really?

Yeah.

Then why did you say "should you choose to accept it?"

Dunno man. I always say it. Anyway, you have to sing an 80's song.

Alright man. Give me a sec to think about it.

*pauses for a moment to think*

So it has to be 80's huh?

Well, we could be lenient by a year or two going back into the 70's and a few years into the 90's. It all still has the same kinda sound. Plus our audience is pretty stupid.

*pauses again to think*

You have been thinking for a while now. Anything?

One Word: Loggins.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiit. The other dude is already doing Loggins.

Let me guess, Highway to the Danger Zone.

How'd you know? you didn't even ask that as a question!

Because he's an idiot and doesn't know a great rock song that is smooth at the same time even if it hit him square in the face!

Do you have any other songs you can do?

Actually, as a matter-of-fact, i do.

Buddha

2008-10-27T12:00:00.007+11:00

Buddha: One who has achieved a state of perfect enlightenment.

When you think of the work 'Buddha' most of you would all think of Gautama Siddhartha, the founder of Buddhism. Fair enough, but he was merely the first Buddha, not the only Buddha.

The term Buddha can be used for any person that has reached Enlightenment. Many people have reached Enlightenment over the past two and a half thousand years; I am merely going to focus on one.

Some say he is the embodiment of everything that is spiritual. Others believe him to be a great philosopher, decades before his time. Many regard him as a great poet, who has used his fame to spread a glorious message and warn the human race of perils to come.

I simply refer to him as The Boss.

To help illustrate my statement (as, clearly, there is no argument) I am going to list some of His lyrics and decipher some of the code that is written within them. Of course, this is purely objective, each individual would take their own meanings, but the foundations of the beliefs are the same.

I'll start with one of my favourite Karaoke songs (one of the 12 steps to Enlightenment is actually singing Bruce Springsteen songs in public) Dancing in the Dark:

"can't start a fire, can't start a fire without a spark" - basic chemistry. refers to how most chemical reactions require a catalyst.

"this gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark" - the current (see statement about being ahead of his time) situation with the private security firms in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Badlands: "Workin' in the fields till you get your back burned. Workin' `neath the wheel till you get your facts learned. Baby I got my facts learned real good right now. You better get it straight darling Poor man wanna be rich, rich man wanna be king
And a king ain't satisfied till he rules everything" - See Robert Mugabe and the rise to power of (more or less) slaves in Zimbabwe now ruling the country; and those rulers convincing themselves that they know everything and are doing a good job.

Sad Eyes: "Every day here you come walking. I hold my tongue, I don't do much talking. You say you're happy and you're doin' fine" - Even though equality of the sexes is becoming more of a reality, domestic violence is still rife in many communities. Why do so many people turn a blind eye to it?

Part Man, Part Monkey: "They prosecuted some poor sucker in these United States for teaching that man descended from the apes" - The Boss is a long time advocate of Church and State operating in separate fields. He's voicing his concerns that the Bible-Belt of the USA has too much power in politics.

Born in the USA is merely an autobiography.

As you can see, The Boss covers a wide range of topics, from Science to politics, anthropology to love, war to peace.

We all need to take a leaf out of Glory Days. None of us want to end up (but most probably will) sitting around talking about the past. We need to take the metaphorical reigns of the present and control our future!

That guy.

2008-10-13T12:00:00.001+11:00

I always thought I'd never, ever, be That Guy. You know the one. The female equivalent is this chick. That Guy, you know him (or her), he's at every gig, he's the one singing really badly and missing most of the words really loudly in your ear?

I remember Scum being the worst of these I'd ever seen at the Beirut gig earlier this year. It was quite the scene actually. He'd managed to down the best part of an entire 3L goon bag in 40 minutes* and had positioned himself on the front barrier, directly in front of Zach Condon. His two hands were firmly placed on the rail and he wasn't to be moved. Unfortunately, there was an unlucky girl trapped inside his vice-like grip. For the duration of the gig, she had to endure Scum's lyrics (i don't know if you've ever tried to learn lyrics to a Beirut song, without looking them up, but it isn't easy, you mostly just ended up making the correct sounds) at an higher decibel reading than Beirut's.

Throughout the gig, he was also attempting to have Zach drink some of his goon. To no avail though...

As per usual, my story has somewhat diverted. As i was saying, nobody ever wants to be That Guy. After reading Johnny Virgil's post the other day it triggered a memory I'd tried hard to suppress. A memory when i was, in fact, That Guy.

It was at Good Vibrations a few years ago now. Beastie Boys were headlining supported by J5 and Snoop-Dog. I'm not really a huge hip-hop kinda guy, but i love the Beastie Boys. Love love love them.

By the time they came on, i was well and truly gone.* I was singing along like a madman to every song. Totally lost in the moment. One thing about the Beastie Boys is, when they play live, they regularly change the tempo and speed of the song. This didn't effect me. I was smashing out the originals then correcting my errors afterwards. I didn't really care though, i was having fun.

There was this (unfortunate) girl standing just in front of me. She kept turning and looking at me throughout the gig. Due to my state* i believed she was keen on me because i was so cool as i knew all the lyrics to all the songs.**

About three quarters through the gig they played one of their slow instrumental bits. I used this time to go grab a beer. Upon returning, the people i was standing behind had blocked off access to my previous position and weren't allowing me back in. I was devastated.

I decided to give in and go back a little further in the crowd and sing / dance with my friends. It just so happened that Mitch and Dave were in a similar state (but knew the lyrics better) to me, so it was all cool.

Take my word for it though, you never, ever want to be That Guy. Mostly because you don't remember the gig too well afterwards, yet it's usually at one of the gigs you're most looking forward to.

*and our PM believes there's a booze culture here!
** i don't. I know all the songs and how the general sounds go, but not all the lyrics.

How big is your Daft Punk?

2008-10-07T12:00:00.000+11:00

Just before Christmas last year Daft Punk came to town. I know, awesome eh. I had tickets and all my friends had tickets, but that isn't what this is about. This is about my man-junk.

The gig was on a friday night. I don't know if you ever been in Melbourne in December, but the day was like about a third of all other days in December, really hot (note, about another third are quite pleasant like 25-30C *77-86F* and the other third are fucked up and cold. mind you all three are likely to happen at any given time on any given day).

Like most other people my age living the dream; i had to work during the day. For some reason, Daft Punk had turned the gig into a mini-festival and the gates opened at around 6. On my bike i hopped and proceeded to ride home from work. Did i mention it was hot? This is a photo of me, on the left, with the attire i donned:

I know those shorts are small, but it was hot! Anyway, as i was riding along St Kilda Rd i stopped at lights long enough for a girl of similar age to myself to stare at me. Normally i don't think twice about this (i like to think it's a common occurance) but she had a mixed look that wasn't the usual "yearn" kinda thing. It was more a look of amusement mixed with a small amount of disgust.

After a few seconds i came to realise that my junk (predominantly my left nut) was hanging out the bottom of my shorts.

This made me laugh a little. I'm assuming it was this sudden change of face that allowed us to finally have eye-contact. She seemed unsure of herself, but eventually she pointed at my exposed area in an attempt to alert me to it.

Just as this happened the lights changed.

i winked at her and rode off, nut hanging freely.

Later that night i was grabbing some drinks from the bar (at the gig now, btw) when i bumped into the same chick again. She was queueing with her friend and she says
"OMG Krista*, that's the guy i told you about today"
I feined laughter and casually pushed in front of them so that i could finally get some fucking beers. The line was taking ages and we eventually made small talk. as i finally made my way to the front she says
"how about you order drinks for you and us and i'll pay for all" sweet deal.
the bartender wouldn't allow me to order so many drinks so she ended up paying for mine and i left to rejoin my posse. free drinks in hand.

So i guess it goes to show, there really is no point to this story except that i was basically given 30 bucks because i didn't put my not away. Sweet.

*her name wasn't, and most likely still isn't, Krista

I'm a porn star

2008-10-02T12:00:00.000+10:00

Well, apparently. According to this*NSFW* site i am. Problem is, is that isn't me... As much as i'd like it to be.

Click on the above pic for my full bio.

Would you do me?

2008-09-25T12:00:00.001+10:00

I’d never done something like this before. It was completely new. For both me and Brian and Jenny. I haven’t even known them long, Brian and Jenny. Just a few short months. We met randomly; on the side of a highway. I had a flat tire, it was pouring rain. They stopped and helped me.

And now we’re here. Well, I’m here.
I’m at their house. In the back yard actually. There are some other people here too, I don’t really know them though. I’m not interested. Not yet anyway.

Before I mingled with other people I needed to find out what they really thought. I needed to know.

“It looks great Kiki, did you put this together yourself?”
I did actually. I thought I’d try something different. I’ve never done anything like this before.
“Well, I’ll pop it up with everything else” chimed Jenny.
Please don’t, I’d like you to try it first. I need you to like it. I was worried. Worried they wouldn’t like it. Worried that this was all a huge mistake.
What am I doing here? What was I doing?
I didn’t know. I didn’t care.
“well we can have a quick dabble” adds Brian. I don’t think he truly likes me. It’s almost like he’s threatened by me. God knows why. I want to be his friend.
“wow.” I look for any hint of sarcasm. I can’t see any as yet.
“this is really good Keeks”
You think so?
“truly! I think it’s the best I’ve had for a while”
All anxiety instantly left me. The looks of sincerity and honesty in both their faces reassured.

And I guess it’s true. You really can make friends with salad.

Judaism

2008-09-19T12:00:00.000+10:00

Further to this post from last year; i needed some more answers to really understand whether or not being Jewish referred to either your race or your religion. I did a fair bit of research for this and this is what i have concluded.

It's a confusing issue and asking different people will give you different answers, so i have attempted to cover it all as a whole and incorporate jewish law that is practiced in Israel.

Historically, Jews have long been persecuted and haven't had a country to call 'home.' Back then, being Jewish wasn't particularly appealing to non-Jews and the ethos was that any true-believer could become Jewish. They accepted all those that believed. So, back then (from ancient Egypt to 50 years ago) being Jewish referred to Religion.
Any person wishing to convert was encouraged to; Jews were more than happy to increase their numbers.

However, hanging over this whole period was the old jewish law that Jewish blood is only passed through the mother's side. You could only be Jewish if your mother was Jewish.

Initially, when Israel was formed, any Jewish person / family was encouraged to 'return.' As Israel became more wealthy and the Soviet Union broke down, there was a massive influx of Jews from the former Soviet Union looking to re-start their lives in a country with more wealth, opportunity and public services.

This influx of, essentially, refugees forced the leaders of Israel to enforce the ancient law that Jewish blood is only passed down through the mother to stem the tide of impoverished, unskilled immigrants. Jewish newcomers to Israel are forced to prove their Jewish heritage 3 generations back through their mother's side - an easy thing to do in the west, not such an easy thing to do in the oppressed eastern block countries.

This would suggest that being Jewish is, in fact, a race, not a religion.

Confusing? yes. Especially if you go to a western country where the rules are different and you can convert if you want.

On top of all this, find two Jewish people, one that is practicing and one that isn't (i have a friend that is from a jewish family but practices catholicism) and ask them if they are Jewish. They all say that they are.
i pointed out the case of my friend (who claims to be jewish) to another friend Jew and she said "well, is his mother Jewish?"
by answering yes she acknowledged that he is, in fact, jewish.

So there you have it (kinda). Being Jewish can mean both race and religion, but i'd argue that it refers more to race, in current world events, than it does religion.

Thoughts?

Getting ahead at work

2008-09-16T12:00:00.000+10:00

I’ve worked out how I need to act to get ahead in the company i work for. I’ve organised it into point form so that it’s easier to read:

Organise a lunch to discuss future projects / directions
Attend lunch. Drink several glasses of chardonnay and talk about anything bar subject.
Walking back to the office from said lunch, briefly mention future projects / directions
Agree on some broad statement
Send out a memo to all staff about the new direction of the company
Sit at my desk for the rest of the day with my feet up, gloating about how good i am
Realise something needs to be done – hire PA to do the work
Give them no direction whatsoever
Nothing gets done
Conclude that it must have been a ‘bad’ (lack of a better word) decision
Organise lunch to discuss new ideas
Return to top point

What do you think?

If only Hunter S was here for this

2008-09-02T12:00:00.001+10:00

More damming than George McGovern's choice of Thomas Eagleton as his running mate is John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin.

On the face of it, she seems perfect for your gun-crazy, right-wing christian Republicans; but she's not. She's about to shake up McCain's Presedential campaign more than a cocktail waiter shakes one of James Bond's martinis.

Here's why.

Apparently, Sarah Palin has a son, Trig, aged 4 months.

take a look at this photo and tell me (enlargen for a better view) who you think looks more like they gave birth 4 months ago:

Do you think it's the trim, tight, 44 year old soccer mum or the pudgey, huge-boobed 17yo Bristol???

News has come through that Bristol is pregnant (again?). I tell you what, i'm convinced that Trig is the son of Bristol.

looks just like a young mother coming to grips with everything going on around her.

Hunter S Thompson would have gone to town on this shit.

I just wanted a stroll through the park

2008-08-29T12:00:00.000+10:00

After recent traumatic events i needed a nice quiet stroll through the park to clear my head and refresh my spirit.

I saw some commotion up ahead. I really didn't feel like getting involved, but i had to walk right past on my way towards my destination. I decided to turn up my headphones and raise my hood, hoping to observe out of the corner of my eye without showing interest (subtle).

I saw this dude running around like a headless chicken. I recognised his clothes. He was that same motherfucker asking about Iron Curtains in the Dollar Blind Store!
The idiot was running around like he was on fire, but there were no flames or smoke that i could see. And you know what they say, "No smoke without fire". Not even Dry Ice. That's just carbon dioxide.

I was growing intrigued with the sitation now and my curiosoty got the better of me. I went over for a closer inspection.

What i came across was a truly amazing sight! The dude running around like a mongoose was indeed the guy from the curtain store and was indeed (also?) Skeletor! I knew that crafty prick was up to something but i didn't think he'd get this far.

If i was on the scene 10 minutes earlier, as Randor gleefully informed me, i could have witnessed an epic battle where He Man totally smashed the shit out of Skeletor's attempts at building and Iron Curtain out of... A GIANT RUBIK'S CUBE

and i missed the whole scene by 10 minutes!

Fuck

*Seriously regretting that extra orange-mocha-frappuccino that made me piss like a fountain and, hence, miss this saga unfold*

A light Sunday trip to the curtain store

2008-08-14T12:00:00.001+10:00

I wanted to pick up some curtains and replace these drab old venetians that frequent our area/house. So i made my way down to the curtains and blinds store to see what they could offer me.

Not a whole lot, it turns out. In terms of curtains anyway. The entertainment factor within the store was very hi (until my attention span wavered and i was pulled to greener pastures of the mind by some ninjas).

I'm certain that this guy was not serious, maybe he was one of the many junkies inhabiting these parts? He was dressed in dark clothing, with a hood on (one thing I've learnt about good customer service, it doesn't usually happen to someone with a hood on) and was convinced he could obtain an Iron Curtain to keep his neighbours from knowing what was going on within his property.

"The thing is, you see, I'm building something and i don't want anyone either getting in or out and spreading potential secrets or espionage"
The poor girl who was serving him had no idea what he was talking about; including the basis of the whole theory, The Soviet Union - what are they teaching them in schools these days?

I didn't get to see his face because the ninja fight happened right then in front of the store.

Kids today.

All i wanted was a Rubiks Cube

2008-08-06T12:00:00.002+10:00

I really needed to get my hands on a Rubiks Cube this morning. So i went down my usual path of texting most people in my phonebook:

Hey there! do you own a Rubiks Cube that i can borrow please?

All the messages i received back were either a flat-out "No" or:

I used to have one, but i don't know where it is now

One girl even responded "i have a jaegermeister one. it's pretty small though"

Then i began to wonder; where have all the Rubiks Cubes gone?

In my infinite wisdom / as is always the case, the first place i checked out was Snake Mountain. One thing i've learned over the years is that Skeletor is like a homeless man when it comes to hoarding. That prick will keep anything.
And rightly so. You never truly know just exactly when you might need HTML Head earings in your quest to conquer Castle Grayskull and rule Eternia

Turns out my suspicions were completely right. That crafty motherfucker had thousands of Rubiks Cubes stashed away, collecting dust, just underneath his pile of 70's board games.

I only needed one though. I'm not greedy, and i wasn't really in the mood for arousing suspicion, i kinda felt like a nap anyway. On the way out, i saw Panthor watching me. I've never really understood Panthor. Are her and Skeletor an item? or is it more like Jabba the Hut and a longer-term, tamed down, Princess Leia?
I didn't get time to find out as, just at that moment, the Call to Arms came out over the loudspeaker and Panthor rushed off like any good lover / slave to be by Skeletor's side during battle.

On my way home i thought i'd stop by Castle Grayskull and see what all the fuss was about. After all, i didn't need my Rubiks Cube until the weekend, and this was only Wednesday. And with fuel prices the way they are, there wasn't much chance i'd be driving out here again.

Turns out that Castle Grayskull is just a huge sugar refinery. Nothing special for us (we're so lucky where we live), but for a planet that is mostly barren i imagine controlling the supply of sugar would bring immense power.

Just as i was about to turn over my ignition and start the car, King Randor taps on my window.
'sup Randy? i chime.

"You must help us! Skeletor is planning on building a giant Rubiks Cube, out of smaller Rubiks Cubes, to completely surround Castle Grayskull. He must be stopped!"

Wouldn't you be better off calling He Man or some shit? i'm a bit of a pussy...

I didn't wait for his response, i simply drove away (slowly, to conserve fuel).

King Randor is one of those 'friends' that only comes to me when he needs something. He never just hangs out anymore. I don't really have time for him these days.
Plus, i had my Rubiks Cube now, i wanted to go home for some sweet sugar.

And in the end, won't He Man defeat him? He always has done in the past...

Did I like the Dark Knight?

2008-07-31T12:00:00.004+10:00

It was ok. Nothing special.

Here are my main gripes with the movie:

Christian Bale cannot act. He is terrible. He also bashes his family.
Heath Ledger isn't particularly good in the movie. He's most certainly not bad, but he's nothing special
Michael Caine's role. He's awesome in every other movie, why'd they give him such a shitty role with such a shitty accent?
Rachel Dawes = UGLY

I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing how Ledger "should win an OSCAR." Why? Cause he died? That's so not fair.
"But that thing he does with his lips is so good"
And? he licks his lips a couple of times. Big fucking deal. Fuck off. It's sad he died, but he shouldn't be given awards, at the expense of others, for it.

If you asked me if you should see it, I'd say "wait for it to come out on DVD or download it. Don't waste your money" or something similar, at least.

I could write a whole entire essay on how overrated this (and the first) Batman movie is in this series. There is no character development. It's all over-the-top special effects. Fuck Hollywood remakes. I could write that essay, but i'm not in school anymore; and nobody in their right mind writes an essay outside school.

But you know what would be good about writing an essay? You know how your teacher would say "there is no right or wrong answer, so long as you support your case?"
For my support i'd just have a pirated copy of the movie, stuck to the last page of my essay, with posca markings on the front Essay Support. Running Time - WAY TOO FUCKING LONG

A++

I can imagine my teacher's comments now.
"Wow kiki. You have a really strong argument with great reference(s) to support your case."

Fuck that shit, i'm not going to talk about the Dark Knight anymore. I'd much rather talk about how my left-lower molar sends shooting pains into my eye every time I eat ice cream. You'd much prefer that, right?

So while all you people talk about how good this movie is; I'll be inviting everyone else around to my place to join a few of us as we get together on weekends and listen to some reggae.

I know what I’d rather be doing. What the fuck would you rather be doing?

QPTGETOAT mk II

2008-07-25T12:00:00.001+10:00

Quite Possibly The Greatest Email Thread Of All Time mk II

you may, or may not, remember the prequal; last year. You may also be familiar with some of the characters, however some are new.

Friday, May 9 2008

Samson - 2.15PM

Hey Jacob,

Remember when we went to Al’s going away and the sombrero party and we all wore stupid hats?

Well, one of Al’s mates, Hamish, was running for the liberal party in the federal election and he said something he shouldn’t have (albeit hilarious) and this photo popped up in the Age

Van Damn!

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2007/08/14/1186857440415.html

Lot - 2.15PM

HAHAHAH!

Links to the blog?

Samson - 2.20PM

It’s been privatized
Long ago

Jacob - 2.23PM

Samson - 2.29PM

Don’t tell me you don’t find a woman with power sexy?

Saul - 2.30PM

Samson - 2.37PM

Saul - 2.39PM

Lot - 2.40PM

Jacob - 2.43PM

ccing Booze in. tooo much heat

Saul - 2.44PM

HI BOOZE

Samson - 2.52PM

I was actually just thinking of Booze...
You know how in Greek Mythology there’s Medusa? Well, where she was meant to be is modern-day Libya
Which is in Africa.
Booze is in Africa too.
They speak French where Booze is, so I thought of the new French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy. So I googled her and ogled at pics.

Thanks Booze.

Jacob - 2.54PM

the above thought process led me straight to the following:

Lot - 3.09PM

Jacob - 3.25PM

for some reason this pic reminds me of Soloman.

Samson - 3.32PM

Jacob - 3.34PM

Booze of Rachab - 5.09PM

The WOW factor of this thread is high.

Ps. Any sun damage to report Mr. Saul?

Saul - 5.16PM

Not as yet, unfortunately. I think they might have receded into wherever they go in the winter.

There's gotta be some over there, what's the story?

Booze - 5.24PM

Surprisingly, none here either. Although i think it is due to the apparent lack of Chardonnay

**************************

Is it fair to compare the two?
I think the LOL-factor is higher in the original, but the creativity is much greater in this thread. What do you think?

like, HELLO?

2008-07-21T12:00:00.001+10:00

"DANIELLE Allen opened the email one day in her office at the Institute for Advanced Study... The anonymous chain email falsely says Senator Barack Obama is hiding a radical Muslim background."

"By the time Ms Allen saw it in January, it had been around more than a year."

Haha, loser.

"British comic Sacha Baron Cohen is set to play detective Sherlock Holmes in a spoof movie. Baron Cohen will team up with Will Ferrell, who is to play Holmes' faithful sidekick, Doctor Watson"

OH. DEAR. GOD.

and finally, every week, i see this in the status updates on facebook:

seriously dude...

And this year's winner...

2008-07-15T12:00:00.001+10:00

Dayana Mendoza (Venezuala)

Just further evidence to how right i was

In fact, further proof can be seen here:

They all have the same look!

and this last one is for AK, she is under the impression that Dayana is blonde...

what do you think?

My life (as an Action Movie)

2008-07-10T12:00:00.000+10:00

Sometimes, my imagination runs a little crazy and i come up with some pretty amazing / retarded shit (it depends on your point of view).

Just the other morning, i was laying in bed enjoying another episode of a Pringles invasion of Poland. You had to be there.
The Blitzkrieg, The Panzer Division following. Totally WOW. Left anything out of Saving Private Ryan for dead (suck shit Tom Hanks)
I was there, however, and I can tell you that it was the most amazing thing i have ever experienced. IT TRULY FELT AS THOUGH I WAS THERE.

i could feel the planes flying overhead, swooping and then rising in an effort for another bombardment.
I could hear the marching of the oncoming Pringles Panzer division. My heartbeat was really going.

It was so believable that i didn't want to get out of bed, my reasoning being that i didn't want to miss any of the action...

that picture really doesn't do it any justice.

Sometimes, I confuse myself.

Jo On Rails

2008-07-04T12:00:00.002+10:00

a birthday's special treat; just for you

A while ago I became aware of this (click for larger- you need to read it before reading on, it's essential)

I couldn't resist, i had to write him an email. This is what i wrote:

From: kiki [mailto:@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, 28 May 2008 11:02 AM
To: pers-660066998@craigslist.org
Subject: Jo on Rails

Hi,
I saw your ad on Craigslist and I thought I would email you.
Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Kiki and I am a 51 year old Actuarial Scientist living in Pilgrim Gardens.

I love train sets and would love to come around and play with you. I personally have a Hornby Electric 'Old Smokey' Passenger set and it is my Pride and Joy!

My other interests include travelling (I have attached a picture of me from my trip last year to Italy. Gelati; YUM!), table tennis and watching horses.
I especially enjoy seafood and lazing around for Brunch with you sounds like a fantastic idea!

I hope to hear from you soon
Yours Sincerely
Kiki

The evolution of the Seal

2008-07-02T12:00:00.000+10:00

A good mate of mine came up with this a while back and i couldn't think of anything to post.

Terrible taste, but absolutley hilarious

The Evolution of the Seal

Man of Action?

2008-06-24T12:00:00.000+10:00

No.

After another promise that was both unreasonable and not thought through; it is coming to my attention more-and-more that Kevin Rudd is an idiot.

Why does he think that Australia has so much weight internationally?

Why would OPEC care what Australia does?
Australia consumes 877,300 billion barrels of oil a day
Which is only 4% of what the US consumes and 1% of the total world usage.

Australia is only a small country, but for some reason Rudd is convinced it is the third largest*
We have the 14th (or 15th, depending on which report) largest economy in the world. This is slightly misleading as we are only producing around 1.6% of world GDP

The majority of Australians are having a good whinge about rising petrol prices. I don't see why. It is simple laws of supply and demand and good business, on the OPEC side, to not increase supply. Petrol is still lower here than it is in most other countries (we're about 4th or 5th cheapest outside OPEC); yet everybody seems to think that this is the be-all-and-end-all of right now.

Petrol prices aren't going down any time soon (especially when someone like Chakib Khelil says that "OPEC... believed that the market was 'in equilibrium'"

Why cannot Rudd simply say that he has no control over petrol prices? Nobody in Australia does. It would save everyone a lot of time and bother and move debate in Australian politics onto something a little more useful (hopefully).
Brendan Nelson's plan to cut government excise on petrol by 5 (or 10) cents a litre is a desperate grab for support; although many people buy it.

This would cost the Government billions of dollars and save us what? around $3 a tank? Absolutely not worth it.
I heard in an interview the other week Nelson say something along the lines of "if petrol is $1.60 today, under a liberal government it would be $1.55"
Great dude, but it would still be $1.60 next week.
And $1.70 the week after.

You'd just be delaying the inevitable. Pointless really.

Why do politicians have to be such stupid idiots?

Further proof of Rudd's international clout was his 'aim' to stop Japan's whaling.

Which ended up being just as unsuccessful as every other policy and Kevin Rudd retreating to grovelling in niceties with Fukuda.

Fuel Watch isn't going to work either. It's just going to force service stations, which will no longer be able to alter price throughout the day, to set prices at the maximum price spike of the next 24 hour period in order to not lose any money.

*It seems that he only truly makes time for the US and China.

And to all those staunch Rudd fans out there with you ridiculous Kevin Rudd shirts and slogans and posters, this isn't an attack on you, so don't take it personally (I'm guessing you will though, because you're predictable). This is my opinion about some of Kevin Rudd's policies and opinions. I voted for Rudd at the last election too.
However i did so because i thought he'd be different from other politicians. I was wrong, he's just like the rest of them (lots of talk, little action).

Hip-Hip!

2008-06-12T12:00:00.002+10:00

HOORAY!

I believe there should, and needs to, be a strong etiquette for the "Hip-Hip Hooray" sung at the end of Happy Birthday.

Generally, it's some alpha-male type who usually chimes in with the "HIP-HIP" for everyone else to chorus "Hooray."
But I'm a firm believer that this needs to be changed.

One of my favourite scenes from Seinfeld is where Jerry and George are sitting in Tom's Diner with a married couple and the wife sneezes. George waits a moment for the husband to say "bless you" before chipping in. It's his explanation that has stayed with me all this time.

Like George, I believe that the husband / partner has rightful ownership of the "bless you" and should be given appropriate time to do so.
It is the same for "Hip-Hip." Not just anyone should be able to do it. It is a sacred thing that the closest person to the celebration should have the right to yell. Not some random, loud-mouth drunk guy who is just there for the free piss.

Here's what I think should happen. After everybody sings Happy Birthday there needs to be a two or three second break to allow the closest person to the birthday celebrant to take charge of the "HIP HIP." After that time, if nobody has claimed what is theres, then it is a free-for-all.

The same goes for "bless you."

Pretty Certain

2008-06-02T12:00:00.000+10:00

Pretty certain that if i was a former World No 1 Tennis Player, earning almost $14 million in prize money; I'd take pretty good care of my teeth

Mind you, i'm only pretty certain. So i couldn't guarantee it.

Fare thee well, Gustavo, I'll sorely miss your yearly rant about Wimbledon.

Miss Universe

2008-05-25T12:00:00.002+10:00

In this picture there are five Miss universe contestants from very different countries: Venezuala, Korea, Brazil, USA and Japan.

If you look closely, you may notice something; THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!
I wouldn't be surprised if a chick from the USA looked like a chick from any other country (due to cultural diversity), but the asians look just like the latinos!!

This had me thinking; is there a mould that Miss Universe contestants need to fit in order to be successful?

Here are pics of the winners since the turn of the century:

2000 - Lara Dutta (India)

2001 - Denise Quiñones (Puerto Rico)

2002 - Oxana Fedorova (Russia), on the right, replaced by Justine Pasek (Panama)

2003 - Amelia Vega (Dominican Republic)

2004 - Jennifer Hawkins (Australia)

2005 - Natalie Glebova (Canada)

2006 - Zuleyka Rivera (Puerto Rico)

2007 - Riyo Mori (Japan)

Is it just me; or, on any given day, could every single one of these chicks (bar Hawkins, 2004) pass as a latino?
This further illustrates my point that all the successful Miss Universe contestants look, or endeavour to look, the same.

2004 was just a slip-up and a blonde somehow won. You have to go all the way back to 1999 for another mistake - Mpule Kwelagobe is black!

I'm taking bets on when the next slip-up will be, where the contestant will be from, hair / skin colour etc.

Momma Always Said

2008-05-22T12:00:00.001+10:00

"Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get."

Bullshit.

I know exactly what i'm going to get when i purchase a box of chocolates. It says so on the pack.
To be fair, i'm not an expert on life in the American Deep South circa 1960;* but i think it's fair to assume that if you asked for a box of chocolate truffles, then you would receive a box of chocolate truffles.**

*Maybe a case such as Donoghue V Stevenson was a common thing around then and people never knew if they would actually find some form of decomposed bug in their pre-packaged produce
**Depending on availability and whether or not you asked the right person

Guylian Seashells; an example of a box of chocolates where you clearly know what you are going to get.

I'm going to do you a favour

2008-05-15T12:00:00.000+10:00

I'm going to Review every character that Will Ferrell will perform in any movie that he stars in.

He (the Character) will be Stupid. Really Stupid. He will often do things, stupid things, that will injure himself.
He will, in the beginning, be either with love, or completely without love. He will then proceed to lose a love that he either previously had or one that he recently found.
He will regain that love or, in some rare cases, bask in the love of another.
Along the way there will be a sequence of scenes that are loosely described as 'Plot'
There isn't much contained in this 'plot' other than the occasional moment (see Stupid Things) where he causes the audience* to laugh.

*usually of low IQ

I hope you find this useful in the future as you see an ad for an upcoming Will Ferrell movie and wonder to yourself:

I wonder what character he will play this time?

The same character as every other time dip shit.

This was prompted by someone telling me that they thought Will Ferrell was the best actor going around.
You're kidding me? i thought to myself (i did not want to get into an argument with this person, they are very stubborn)
My definition of a good actor would be someone who can play a range of roles over different genres. Someone like Kevin Spacey or Benicio Del Toro.
I'm pretty sure that Will Ferrell doesn't appear in many movies outside the Man-walks-into-bar-OUCH! genre of idiodic American Trashy Toilet Humour.

But i could be wrong, some of his SNL is pretty funny.

Geburtstag Etikette

2008-05-08T12:00:00.001+10:00

At my work, it's csutomary to provide cakes / sweets on your birthday for everyone else.

Why is this?
Why do I have to provide cakes on my birthday?
I assume it is because nobody else knows / cares enough to do it and there's just too much hassle

Why then, does it always have to be high in sugar, fatty foods?
I'm thinking for my birthday this year i will provide a lentil soup for everyone!

any other suggestions?

I just purchased a book

2008-04-16T12:00:00.000+10:00

Gregory Crewdson's Beneath the Roses

Well, i ordered it today. Apparently deliver time isn't expected until mid-May. I'll let you know how it goes.

These are pictures of his, but not necessarily from this book.

Brick

2008-04-15T12:00:00.003+10:00

It's almost as if our relationship was over before it had peaked. Weird, i know; but by the time i arrived, there was a gulf between us.
I didn't mention it. I don't think you noticed it. You might have, I'm not sure. I wasn't going to ask.

It's hot outside right now; but i don't want to be outside. I'd rather stay inside, away from the world. Alone in my misery.

I'm watching The Usual Suspects. It's one of my favourite movies. It was one of our favourite movies...

"News says it's raining in New York."

It kinda feels like that doesn't it? Wanting to be somewhere else i mean. Dreaming, fantasizing about another location. I can't concentrate on the movie. I knew i wouldn't be able to. That's why i chose it. I've seen it so many times i don't even need to watch it. It was a bad attempt to distract my thoughts and it isn't working.

Once we started arguing i knew it wasn't going to last. I didn't have the heart to say anything. I'm too weak. I was leaving in a few days for work and wasn't going to be back for a while.
I was hoping that during this time apart, I could slowly fade away. Lose contact, you know?

Looking back; I'm well aware of how bad this is. How this is such a cowards way out; but it just seemed easier, for both of us, this way.
I hate it how hindsight is always right. What's that thing you always used to say?
"Hindsight is 20/20"
Fuck i hated it when you said that. Now i see just how right it is. Fuck.

Once i left i thought to myself that it was the end. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
It's over.
well, it was over, in my eyes, and this was the beginning of the ending.

I received a text message about a week later that simply read
"I'm pregnant"

I completely panicked. Retreated into my shell. I didn't know what to say, who to say it to, when to say it. I didn't know the first thing about anything.
I was in completely uncharted territory and i was scared shitless.

I told you that I would support you in any decision you made. I didn't want a kid. I don't think you did either. Not at this point-in-time anyway. We both certainly want kids. But not yet. Later.

I have no doubts you'd be a good mother. Hell, i reckon i could almost be a decent father. Part of me was hoping you'd say you were going to keep it. A bigger part of me was hoping you wouldn't.

I'll never forget that day at the clinic.

We didn't speak to each other. I didn't know what to say to you, or how to say. I wanted to hug you, to hold you and tell you that I loved you, but I thought that is one thing you didn't want: affection from me. I thought you loathed me.

It took longer than i thought it would. I don't know why. I didn't have any clue how long it would take. I just remember sitting in the waiting room for 4 hours, too scared to leave my seat in case you came out of the procedure and I wasn't there.
I didn't want you to think I'd abandoned you. Even only for a minute. Today, of all days, i wasn't going to let you be alone. I didn't want to be alone.

The whole time i had that fucking Ben Folds song "brick" in my head. I didn't realise i knew all the words, or most of them anyway. I studied the lyrics in my head the whole time. They made me sad. But at least I knew that someone had been there before me. Probably thousands even. I wonder if it was like this for everyone?

6 am day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in The dark
The smell of cold
Car seat is freezing
The world is sleeping and I am numb

Up the stairs to her apartment
She is balled up on the couch
Her mom and dad went down To Charlotte
They're not home to find us Out
And we drive

Now that I have found someone
I'm feeling more alone
Than I ever have before

Chorus
Shes a brick and I'm drowning Slowly
Off the coast and I'm headed Nowhere
Shes a brick and I'm drowning Slowly

They call her name at 7:30
I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her Flowers
And sell some gifts that I got

Cant you see
Its not me you're dying for
Now shes feeling more alone
Than she ever has before

Chorus

As weeks went by
It showed that she was not fine
They told me son its time
To tell the truth
And she broke down and I broke
Down cause I was tired of lying

Driving back to her apartment
For the moment we're alone
Shes alone
And I'm alone
Now I know it

"She's alone. And I'm alone."

DDR

2008-04-01T12:00:00.000+11:00

There is an obvious difference between East Germany and West German as soon as you cross the border.

In EG (excluding Berlin) there are derelicte, unused buildings. A much larger number of homeless / beggars. Döner kebabs are only 1€.* There is hardly anyone over 25 that can speak english (whereas, in WG there would be hardly anyone that cannot). Everything is cheaper. Etc, etc.

Apparently, about 10 years ago, 80% of all the cranes in Europe were in Berlin. I think that most of those are now in Leipzig. It is like they are systematically rebuilding EG, one city at a time.

There aren't too many Germans that didn't want reunification; but it appears there are quite a few (in the West) that aren't too happy with the cost of it all. I don't want to even imagine what it was like in the DDR. It doesn't sound good, from what i have heard.

*Döner Kebabs, oh how you will be the end of me!

I drafted this in January but only posted it when the date says i did